I keep thinking all of my life about portraying this persona/ facade of not giving a fuck what people think, being brave, rebellious etc. I feel embarrassed for telling my bf about this because even if though he’s my bf, I still don’t want him to know or see certain (insecure) parts of me. This is because I don’t want to have him lose interest finding out how insecure I am. I’ve always wanted him to see me as this confident, fearless, free spirited girl because that’s usually what men like and want to be with. I don’t think I am any of those things but at the same time, I do on some good days when I’m not attacked with anxiety.

We were talking about how we both felt that people could read our minds, but it’s actually just our anxiety. I told him that I feel like that a lot too, but that I’m learning and growing not to care. I don’t think I really care anymore and I shouldn’t because no one really cares, we all are just in our own little world with our own issues. I told him about the time I got myself to wear my fairy wings and told myself, “Fuck it” even though I was scared. They make me feel even more pretty.

I regret telling him that because I wanted him to think I just wore those fairy wings just because I wanted to, not in detail that I was afraid at first….

I just feel embarrassed telling him all of that. I keep wanting to be perceived a certain way by him because I don’t want him to know how really insecure and weak I am.

I’ve always had guys reject me and fall for women who were confident and bold.

Does this make sense?