My heart hurts…i just wanted my daughter back

Let me start off by saying that my pregnancy with my daughter and the first five years were fraught with peril. The bio dad was a sex offender and was abusive towards me. I was in constant fear he was going to come after her. She also had colic and the first six months were absolute hell. He finally went to prison for life and I got married and after five years we terminated bio dads rights and husband adopted her. He’s all she’s ever known.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship w my own parents. My moms mom is basically evil. She really messed my mom up as a child. Drunk and abusive. She saw her father as a savior of sorts even though he kept her in that environment. Things got worse after I was born. The abuse got worse. Right around the time my daughter was born we all moved out and cut them off. It was easy for my mom to cut her mom off but not her dad. She never realized how much he let happen, that he never stopped it. It was hard since she was so codependent. And since I was the once who Initiated the split I always felt guilt for her pain.

My parents always watched my daughter a little. Maybe a day or two a week. When she was 4-5 years old we got an offer to drive a truck for a year and make enough money to pay our bills off. We couldn’t take her with us. My mom hated her present job and we offered to pay her money to keep our daughter while we were gone (out four-five weeks home for one week). It broke my heart and I didn’t even make it a full year before stopping. I come back after four months.

When I came back, they did not want to let her go. They were used to her being there and they did stuff with her. I was a bad mom. I was this and that. She had more fun with them. They’d use her to say she wanted to stay with them to have fun. They’d buy her things I couldn’t. So I relented. We came up with a sort of messed up half and half schedule. She’s be with us a few days and there a few days. They’d never liked me. I just wanted to make my parents happy and I believed them that she’d be happier with them. My husband and I fought constantly about it. Slowly, she replaced my grandfather as the codependent need my mother had. Her only reason for happiness.

Over the years we’d get into tiffs because of raising her. They’d pull to get her for extra days and would start the fight that if I ever tried to take her we’d come to blows. It would be bad. I was their only daughter but they’d never cared about me like this when I was growing up. I was alone most of the time or with an emotional abusive devil the rest of it. It made me colder, and not as sensitive as they would have liked for me to be. It’s taken two therapists and a lot of time for me to get where I’m somewhat better about those things.

Then two years ago, we’re actually getting along okay. And it’s, “you’ve always wanted a tiny house. Sell your house and move over here above us. It’ll be wonderful. We’ll be a family and you won’t have any more debt. You’ll get the kids all the time. (I had a son a two years before this. I never let him stay over night once until we moved over there for fear they would do the same w him that they did my daughter.)

So we sold our home with a mortgage of $600 a month. Got the tiny house and moved in. There conveniently wasn’t enough space for my daughter to have a bedroom. My son and husband got one and i was in a loft. It would be fine. She’d be up their every day. My husband was promised he could farm. A few months after we moved in, it started. Nothing he did was right. He was awful. They couldn’t stand him. Every phone call, something wasn’t right. We started to fight. Worse than we ever had. After six months in the new house and six years together, we were separated. He got the kids fri-sun. I only saw my daughter for roughly two hours in the evening m-thurs. I was miserable. We’d sunk over $30k and a lot of effort into this place, and now I was alone in it. I had my son. My daughter would never stay up there. I basically gave up. Stopped trying to clean. Thought about killing myself.

I’d been in touch w my husband all this time. We vincules but he made one thing clear. He wouldn’t move back over there. Not after what happened before. So we started the process of buying another house. Interest rates had tripled. The best one we could find was now $2400 a month. He didn’t care. It was worth it and there was no going back for him. My mother fought with me hard. I was gonna take my daughter away from her. She launched herself into the hood of my car. I told her I wasn’t taking anyone away from anyone. (I was seeing two shrinks at this time who were telling me to get her back. To put my foot down. But I still wouldn’t. I knew I’d be disowned).

We moved into the new house. New rules were made. My daughter would stay after school with us for an hour or two m-thurs and would stay over night with us Friday thru Sunday. It wasn’t perfect but I was getting to see her more and I agreed. My husband had a better job now. He liked taking them places and he never liked the split custody setup we had going on. So every now and then he’d tempt them with the trampoline park to get more time. They’d start doing the same. There were little arguments over taking her to church. Never really about my son. Just my daughter.

Finally, this last week happened. My son had covid. Usually he only sleep over there on Thursdays when I had to work. He gets diagnosed Saturday . Mother says she won’t watch him Thursday. Okay. That’s fine. Daughter can’t come to the house m-wednesday cause she might get it. Okay whatever, but she will stay Thursday thru Sunday with us since we didn’t get to see her for four days. Everyone agrees.

Sunday comes. I am sleeping before work. I get a text. Evidently the world has ended. My husband had discussed the trampoline park w them that morning. My son had mentioned he wanted to see my parents. Daughter brings up trampoline park and now they both want to go there for a few hours. Parents are offended. I receive a series of texts saying they are sick of not knowing what the schedule is now. That they “aren’t allowed to see the kids anymore” and to just get her stuff on a day they’re at work and if I “ever let them see the kids again blah blah this.” I’m a “horrible mother, now I have to actually take care of my kids,” this and I “have to actually feed them and take them to school that.” Like I hadn’t been caring for my son, and my daughter when I actually had them already. Well, alright then. Fine with me. I’ll switch everything over. Husband will go buy her clothes got the schedule worked out. All was well.

Until the next morning. I get a tearful call from my mother. Am I really gonna keep her from them? No mom. But she’s gonna live here with me. You can visit whenever you want. But they’ll live here with me. Bamn. Now I’m a horrible unfit mother. I was a horrible child. I’ve done this wrong and that wrong and according to my dad we’ll never see each other again. Mom screws up and types that she hates me but unsends it’s quickly but not quick enough for me not to see it. They hate my husband. My daughter will hate me. Attack after attack. I say I’m sorry. I should’ve done this five years ago. You can still visit her and do day trips with her but she lives with us. If I have to pick her or you, I’m picking her like I should’ve done all along. I just wanted their acceptance but I shouldn’t have tried to buy it with her time. I never got it anyway.

This was yesterday. Now I’m laying in bed. I can’t cry. No water left in me. I’m basically without parents. My heart hurts. I’m probably wrong. They’re probably right. But I sacrificed so much time already. As for my daughter, she hadn’t asked once to go back to their house or asked why this is happening. We cuddled at watched tv tonight and it was wonderful. I’ve always been afraid she’d wonder why I didn’t love her and loved her brother because I “kept him”. I just want her to feel and understand that I love her too. That every moment she’s been away has killed me. That I never should’ve let it happen to keep the peace.

The last few messages from my mom were more guilt tripping. How I’d destroyed her reason for living and there was no coming back from it. I told her I hoped she got help because none of this was healthy. That I didn’t hate her. And again that she could see my daughter anytime she just couldn’t live with them. Then I blocked the number. She has my husbands number to set up visits. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore. At least not tonight.

Anyway. That’s the story more or less. I don’t really want anything but to get it out of my head. I don’t think I’m wrong to want my daughter back. I think I was wrong to let it get to this point. I just gotta learn to live now without my parents in my life—-not that we were close anyway. I’ve accepted that I never was the daughter they wanted and I shouldn’t continue to try to buy their love at the expense of my family.