How does one move forward when they are leaving everything they’ve ever wanted behind? But in reality it isn’t love. I thought it was. We I guess have just been going through the motions. He doesn’t love me. He despises me. He compares himself to my exes as if they’ve somehow gotten more out of me. More love, more sex, more passion, desire. Yet those past relationships were toxic. They were when I was at a point where I didn’t love myself. So I was pushing to keep these bad relationships going, so I could be “loved” and wouldn’t be left alone. Abandoned. And when he met me, I was broken. He was like a light in such a dark spot. I thought he was the greatest man I had ever met. Great father, believed in God, hard worker, family oriented. But he just turned into the same devil, just a different face. I was so head over heels in love with him that I overlooked all of them red flags and only saw them as maybe orange. He hated that I had a past and made me suffer for having one. I stayed. Because I loved him. Now 8 years later and he’s worse than ever. He doesn’t care how he speaks to me or how much his words crucify me. Now he says I’ve never done it for him. In any way shape or form. Completely taking away any sort of “good” thoughts that I had about our relationship, away from me. He makes me feel awful. And I feel stuck. We are 3 kids in. And I am a stay at home mom. As sad as it is to say, I wish I was good enough for him. Pretty enough. Perfect enough. But even if I did “everything” right, it still wouldn’t be good enough. Trying to somehow mold myself into something I’m not. To try and keep a man that doesn’t want me. Doesn’t see me. Doesn’t even look at me. Yet tells me that he wished I’d just suck his dick and somehow I guess that would just magically make everything better. But the little love that I have started to give myself, says what about me? Don’t I deserve to be loved on, hugged, kissed, respected, and treated with love? He probably doesn’t think I deserve it. Why? Because in his mind, I’m not good enough. Because he doesn’t want it to be me. He never did. Sad after all this time, I thought maybe one day he’d marry me. Maybe one day he’d see that I was good enough. How sad of a fucked up reality. My fucked up reality..