Does this seem reasonable to you or controlling?

Question

So, my husband approached me today and told me I am on my phone too much. Now I am on my phone frequently either reading a downloaded book, or talking to my friends/family. I moved 500+ miles away from them for him and his career and I have no friends or family here to socialize with. I am a SAHM and literally never get out of the house except to take my oldest to school. There’s not much to do in our small town. He gets out daily to work and has so many friends so he doesn’t get how it feels. My phone is the only way I can connect with anyone I know. When he is home from work he gets mad if I respond to a text from my friends or family. Even if it’s for like 2 seconds he doesn’t want me on my phone at all when he’s home. He says it makes him feel like he’s not as important as the people I’m taking to. I tried to explain how lonely I feel sometimes but he just said he’s my husband and if I’m lonely to talk to him more and not people hundreds of miles away. I do know I am on my phone a lot, I will admit. Sometimes I’ll be scrolling social media for WAY too long. But I genuinely feel like I don’t have anything else to do some days when I’m home alone all day. He said at night after the kids are in bed I spend my free time on my phone instead of having sex with him lol.

Answer

If you can even admit that you're on your phone a lot, I bet it is quite a bit. Your husband's feelings are valid. You don't have to stop connecting with your friends and family, but I would work hard to be more intentional about your phone use when he's home.

Answer

I think both of your feelings are valid. 
It’s understandable for you to use your phone to connect to other people because you’re more isolated and lonely. 
It’s understandable for him to feel like you prioritize it too often. 
I don’t think there’s a bad guy in this scenario. You’re both making understandable points.

Answer

As someone who's husband is on the phone every free second he gets I see where he is coming from. I hate it. Every time I look at him he's on the damn phone, our kids or me will be trying to talk to him and he won't reply because is too distracted. I'd try to get off the phone a bit when he's home

Answer

Unless he’s controlling in other ways it just sounds like he’s looking to connect with you and wants quality time together when he’s home. I don’t think that’s unreasonable especially if you can admit you’re on your phone that much. Putting it away in the evenings when you still have all day you can do what you’re doing on it would probably be good for you. I would also suggest that you get out of the house more. It’s good for you and your kids to get out and get fresh air, go places and be around people. Eventually you strike up conversations and even if you don’t make friends you keep in touch with it feels less lonely.

Answer

I don’t think this is controlling.. he’s expressing to you how he feels & it seems as though maybe you’re ignoring his feelings. I would try to compromise. A lot of people do spend too much time on their phones & it takes away from time with their family & SO. It’s a common issue.. just not one that a lot of people can recognize. He can’t tell you to never be on your phone, but maybe you could try to be more present around him & prioritize that instead of answering a text right away. You may even find you feel less lonely being more present with him. There’s nothing wrong with being on your phone throughout the day, but don’t let it get in the way of your relationship & understand his feelings are valid too.

Answer

It sounds reasonable. His feelings are valid and he sounds upset. It’s more upset than controlling.

Answer

You should get off your phone more.. you can admit how much you’re on it.. and your husband is saying he wants your undivided attention.. and that’s not unreasonable.. you have the time he’s away at work to scroll thru your phone.. i get it you miss your friends and family but you need to be present with your family in front of you..

Answer

No it is not controlling if your husband wants to have a conversation without you being on your phone. I am a lot on my phone but whenever I spend time with my SO I put the phone away. It's just a sign of respect to give my husband my full attention. He obviously misses spending time with you and I would take that seriously. Also you obviously feel lonely when he isn't around and he also isn't telling you not to be on your phone when he is out, so that excuse doesn't really work.

Answer

He might sound a bit controlling but we are all on our phones waaaay toooo much. For YOU, could you get out and go to the library and check out a book? That way you get out, get off your screen, and still get to read? Just an idea. But, I’m also concerned how he said he feels like they are more important than him…foreal?

Answer

I’m going to be honest. I do think it’s unreasonable to say to only connect with him instead of people that are far away. To say I would like to talk about your phone habit is different but demanding you don’t spend any time or zero time on the phone when he is back from work is a bit much. Maybe saying we both put our phones away when the kids are asleep before bed is fine.

Does this seem reasonable to you or controlling?

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