Confessions of Former Pee-on-a-Stick Addict
It’s early morning. Circa 2008. Practically dark outside. And I really have to go. Like, it’s urgent.
But I squirm and keep my knees tightly crossed as I search the bathroom cabinets for the damn test. It’s here somewhere. I bought a packet of 12 just a few days ago.
From the corner of my eye, the toilet beckons me. But I can’t. I have to save my first morning urine for the test. Where is it? Where is it?
In my desperation, I briefly contemplate using my husband’s water cup. (He uses it daily to rinse out his mouth.) No. That’s terrible. But should I? Could I? He’ll never find out. But what if he does? Yeah, okay. Bad idea.
Besides I hate peeing in cups. I always end up peeing on my own hand. It’s gross.
Okay, keep searching.
It’s here somewhere. Move over the Costco size Advil. Check behind the six month supply of tampons. Ahh! There it is. Sneaky little sucker.
Frantically rip the packaging open. Sit down. And ahhhhhh….
It’s nine days past ovulation (DPO) and I know all the statistics. There is a 47.3% chance that this home pregnancy test will yield a false negative result. That means even if I am pregnant, almost half the time, it won’t show up on this test. It is too early to test. I should not be testing yet. Every package I’ve ever read (and I have read them all) says that for the most accurate results I have to wait until my missed period.
That’s a laugh.
I start testing about six days past ovulation. I do not stop till I am a full day into my next period. (Hey – maybe it’s implantation bleeding, right? Right?)
Hi. My name is Günce. And I am a pee-on-a-stick addict. It has been 18 hours since the last time I peed on a stick. And I got a big fat negative (BFN) result. I should stop. I have to stop. This addiction is costing us money. It is driving me crazy. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I think about is the next time I will be able to pee-on-a-stick.
I haven’t even read the results of this test yet (it will be negative…. It is always negative….) and I am already contemplating my next fix. Clearly, I am out of tests. This was my last one. Should I splurge and go with one of the digital ones? Or go with the cheap flimsy ones that look they were made by a couple of teenagers as a tenth grade science project? On the one hand, I trust the digital ones more. But on the other, they are so expensive. And I use so very many of them.
Maybe this time I will buy both! The cheap ones to use as pawns - easily sacrificed over the course of the day. And the digital ones will be my sacred queens. To be used sparingly, when the pawns have failed.
Okay. 3 minutes. Time’s up.
But first, the internal bargaining: Just be positive. Please be positive. I’ve been trying for so long. I am so tired. I just want to have a baby already. Please. Pretty please. Once! Please! Just once? Can you just once be positive? Once? Please!
And I look.
But, wait. Is that a line? It kinda looks like a line. I mean it’s white. But I can see where a line could be. Is that a line? Why do they make these things so confusing!
I walk my pee stick to the natural light. Hmmm. Can’t really see anything. Back inside to under the kitchen fluorescent. Not really. But something WAS there. I know…. I will take a picture with my phone and run it thru several filters.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Hmmm. Maybe? Save picture. Text to my sister. Dial.
She picks up on the second ring.
“Hey hon – you see anything?”
She is well-versed in this song and dance. She doesn’t even ask what I am referring to. And she loves me too much to lie.
“Not really. I mean… the whole thing looks really green. Are you using a night-vision filter?”
I dodge the question. “It’s too early anyway. I am only 9 DPO. I should not have tested.”
Yes, she says. Let’s wait for tomorrow.
I drop the used test into the garbage can and get on with my day. Or theoretically that’s what I should do.
But in fact I do NOT drop the used test in the garbage can and I do NOT get on with my day.
Instead I prop the test like a small deity next to my computer screen and sneak peeks at it intermittently. (Listen, it’s possible the second line will show up any minute. Right?)
And you know what? One day it will. One day, it actually does. And that second line, it is the most welcome, most incredible sight in the world.
Hi. My name is Günce. I am a former pee-on-a-stick addict. I now work at Glow. And I am here to make sure that you know this simple fact —— you are not alone.