So I'm out again this month. I came to the conclusion that I may feel like I'm ready, but my soul isn't. I need to clean this vessel more before I put an innocent life inside it. Someone told me parenting is not a choice, it's a destiny. I do believe it is my destiny to be a parent, but it may not be my time right now. In a world that we control everything it's so hard to relinquish. To take a step back and admit to one self that this isn't up to me. Yes I can plan and worry, but unless the soul is ready it won't happen. I need to find my place in my world, find my role, and work on me first. I need to let go and surrender and not put so much pressure on myself to create a miracle, because only God can facilitate miracles and when he's ready to give it to me I am ready to accept it. I need to work on the process of being a parent, and the main thing is patience. I am not showing patience by wanting it now. I am showing patience by putting it in Gods hands. That is being a good parent. When my soul is ready for u I will bring u here. Not a moment sooner, just cause I want it. It needs to be good for my baby also. Also, God is not punishing me for my past by not giving me something now. He is making sure I don't repeat the same mistakes. He is an awesome parent. Something I strive to be.