What I've become

Carla • 42 years old, 1 late loss + 4 Mc = 5 years of sadness. Pregnant with baby due May 6, 2018
Please tell me if you feel like this.
I suffer from (emphasis on suffer here) from recurrent pregnancy loss. Just had my latest a few weeks ago.
I'm allergect to children- in particular- new borns- or babies of any kind.
I literally RUN the opposite direction. I had to walk by a bunch of people cooing over a new baby ( I work in a school, new mothers everywhere) and I came home and had a good long cry.
I want my baby so bad that I've come to hate babies.
What have I become?