Venting- long sorry

Rebecca • Healing after the neonatal demise, getting healthy and learning more about my body and cycle
My husband was surfing on buzzfeed today and found a link about how does your mate measure up? He says "let's see how you measure up" so it's an article about women in happy marriages and unhappy marriages basically saying women in unhappy marriages have sex 3-4 times a month but women in happy marriages have sex 10-11 times a month. He just left it at that but I read between the lines and it hurt my feelings. I'm currently on the implant since Jan after my c section in November and I'm constantly spotting or bleeding, I have about 5 days a month that I'm not bleeding and during those times we will have sex sometimes 3-4 times a day, but if he's having trouble finishing it kind of spoils the mood, makes me feel insecure and we won't have sex for a few days and then I'm bleeding again, he isn't into bloody sex.  I'm overly emotional and sensitive right now, I even cried over it and he told me to calm down we are fine. But he didn't even kiss me good night tonight. We're going through a lot, he is 100% combat wounded, suffers from PTSD and a brain injury, has no job, depression. We lost our first baby in November, she lived for 18 hours and I'm very weepy lately. We hadn't planned on our first baby, but now after being so happy pregnant and then losing the baby I would really like to try again when I'm healthier, but he is on the fence saying he doesn't want to get his hopes up only to lose another baby. Sometimes I secretly think he just doesn't want to have another baby with me because he is scared that my DNA is messed up and only makes unhealthy babies even though the geneticist said this isn't so. I just have this complex now I guess. I decided on the implant because I felt like it was a good fit for now, we don't like condoms and I felt the implant was better than the pull out method, I didn't want to be blamed for an unwanted pregnancy and I can't do most pills because my blood pressure has been high since giving birth. I'll complain about the spotting and he'll tell me to give my body time to adjust but then today complains about our sex life. It's confusing he often times doesn't act interested in sex but then complains about not getting it, even though he says it wasn't to pinpoint us. I'm just so emotional and sensitive tonight, I can't sleep, I cried into my pillow so he wouldn't hear me and I'm wide awake. I'm supposed to start my period tomorrow and I always get so crazy right before, especially no control over my emotions. I'm also getting pressure from my mom to figure out if I want a baby (I'm 30) or if I want to be with my husband (she feels he'll never want to try again) I think that's too much pressure to put on me less than 3 months after a neonatal death. My counselor says to give it time, but man tonight I can't get ahold of myself.  I think I'm losing it.  Oh and when I told him about how when he's in the mood we have sex 3-4 times in a night and he said that only counts as one time?!! Seriously?! So if you had sex with your SO 4 times in a day, you would count that as one time? I'm so upset and all over the place and insecure... Ugh sometimes life just sucks. I love my husband, I know he is different and doesn't fit the textbook or mold but I think we have something worth keeping but some days are harder than others. I dunno, I just feel so empty, so vulnerable and lost sometimes. I don't know if it's normal, or I'm crazy or what. Completely unrelated my boss is a bitch and had the nerves to say to me today that She was beginning to think I was cold hearted and didn't care about losing my baby and that she thought she was more upset about it than me because I never show emotions at work. What do people want from me? If I start crying, I'll never stop, I'll just be sad all day. I try to stay positive but it's hard on some days, especially tonight. Sorry for the novel, thanks for listening to my drama lol