Giving up on TTC

Well I've had baby fever for about 3 years now and in those 3 years I watched every classmate, friend, sibling, associate have healthy babies around me. I find this very emotionally for me and I can't find happiness for them because of my jealousy of not having children. I'm sad because my boyfriend wants me to stay on BC so we don't have an accident and he can continue on partying and stuff. Me I personally want a child and not because everyone else has one. No I want a child(s) so I can be the mother I lost 10 years ago. My mother died in 2005 and she missed out on a lot of growin up I did, missed bdays, girl time, sporting events, graduations, and sending me into the world. I figured well if I had children I would make sure I watch them grow and be there for them and continue on in my mothers footsteps and make her proud that I am following after her. I prayed and I try to convince my boyfriend but it seems neither God nor my boyfriend want me to be happy in life. So I pulled the plug on trying to conceive a beautiful blessing(s) that would change my life for the better.😔 i would like to pray for a miracle but I think I'm asking for too much.