My reactions to my miscarriage
Some of this post might be tmi for some. Basically it's a summary of how I felt throughout the miscarriage process. This is a long post, I didn't intend to write so much but the more I wrote the better I felt. I hope others that are healing will also find comfort in writing about their experience.
First: being told my baby's heart was not beating and I would have a miscarriage- nonstop crying, violent crying while vomiting, leaving the ER in a daze, crying then numb, then more tears and numb again.
Next: preparing for the miscarriage, numbness: the crying still happens, but it's quite crying now, walking through cvs to buy pads and a hot water bottle, preparing for what will happen while silent cold tears drop from my cheeks, the lump in my throat disappears just long enough to choke out a phone call to my husband, then I ask my mother to tell the rest of the family "ask them not to call b/c I don't want to talk about it"
Next: waiting for a natural miscarriage- anxiety, what's going to happen? Will it hurt? Will I bleed too much? Will I see my baby? Will I be traumatized by this? When is it going to happen? Will I carry my dead baby inside me for another 2-3 weeks? What's going to happen?
Next: pain and relief begin, pain begins and I notice the blood has went from brown to red but it's still a light amount. Cramp like pains no worse then period cramps at the beginning. Starting to feel relief that it's about to begin and end. I no longer worry that I will have to carry my dead baby a day longer. The pain hurts but I welcome it because it means closure can begin.
Next: the misscarraige, pain and hysteria. The pain has gone from cramps to what I can only assume are the labor pains I was warned about. It lasts about 4 hours off and on. I curse myself for not picking up the Vicodin prescription from the dr, thinking I could do this with just tylonal, the only thing that helps is sitting on the toilet and the hot water bottle. Then I feel a gush and something heavy drops, it's my baby
Next: hysteria and painful grief: seeing my baby. It wasn't covered in blood it was just my baby nothing else. I screamed. I didn't want to see it at first, I was hoping it would be some unrecognized blood clot and I could lie to myself and say it was just cells and tissue, no it was my baby, eyes face mouth arms and legs, smaller then my thumb but all in one piece. Hysterically I crawled from the bathroom crying to my husband. How is life so cruel? I won't flush my baby! I screamed and cried.
Next: grief and sorrow, only an hour had passed, as I buried my baby I grabbed handfuls of dirt and covered the little jewlery box slowly, crying more tears then I have ever cried. through my tears I remember mumbling to my baby "I'm sorry" and " I love you" my husband quitly crying next to me, he never cries.
Next: more pain, passing the placenta: after I had passed the baby the pain came back as I was about to pass the sac and then an hour after that the placenta. The pain was bad but for some reason I was so emotionally drained I didn't care. I just let myself feel the pain and bleed. I didn't care about the hot water bottle I just wanted to finish this process. I was so done with everything.
Next: relief: it was over. I passed the last large piece of tissue which I could only assume was the placenta. And instantly the pain stopped. I knew it was over. I instantly wanted to leave the house. I wanted to get away from that room as soon as possible, I didn't care that I was still bleeding. I put on a thick pad and my husband and I went for a long walk, I could begin healing physically and emotionally now.
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