Will I be like my mother?

So we started trying for a baby. I'm excited but at the same time nervous. My fiance and I don't have a good relationship with out mothers. Mine is still in south Korea and I haven't talked to her in over 17 years. I don't know if she's dead or alive. Now my brothers feel like it's not her fault and that rules in other countries are different then the US. I understand that completely, but what I don't understand is why she didn't get off the plane when we were all waiting for her. Why she stopped calling or try to contact us. Technology is advance enough where she could of looked for us. I blame her and think she's selfish. My brothers and I have fantasies of what we would do if she showed up. I personally don't want to see her. Maybe meet her once but would never want a relationship with a women that gave up and choose to forgot 3 kids. I remember fonly the last night we saw her in korea. She was packing up are bags and my dad asked her to come. Mixed kids were not accepted in korea. Especially american. She said no that she wanted to stay here with her family, her dad and mom. She did ask for something that was shocking though. She's always like my younger brother the most because he was the most Asian looking one out of all of us. She asked to keep him but didn't ask for my older brother or me. I didn't understand it at the time but I do remember her asking to keep him. I hate her and despise the person she is. She choose to stay. To stop calling. I remember her as a sad person. Someone that was never happy. I would never want to meet her again because I feel like she took away what my brothers and I don't have now. A mother. Instead we have a ghost that we wonder about. We would of turned out different if she was around.

Now my fiance mother left because she was an alcoholic that left her kids in the car as she drank. She lives 3 states away and almost never talks to her kids. My fiance believes she did the right thing. I understand how he could think that but I don't understand how after she got better she didn't come back to her three kids. How she is a phone call away and she knows where they live. I think she's selfish to choose a life away from her kids. She has even asked me if my fiance likes her cause she can't tell. She cried and told me her story. All I said back was as a child of a family without a mother. It would kill me to know I knew where my mother is but didn't have a great relationship with them. As far as if he likes you idk. He's a very quite person and keeps his feelings in. He chooses to not to think of the bad stuff because it's easier. She cried more and thanked me for listening.

Now that we are planning out own lives with kids. I fear there is an expectation I must uphold because both our mothers weren't in our lives. I wonder if I'll be a crappy mother like them. I have nothing to compare to a good mom.

I promised my self today that I will not be like them. I will love my kid and if I get divorced I will be living next door to my ex husband because I don't want my kids to live without a parent. This is very important that our kids grow up with love and loyalty. Our kids will never question themselves about if they weren't enough. They will always be enough and I will never be like our mothers.

I still wonder though. Do all women become their moms? Will I abandon my kids?