Forget it...

I'm so down, I'm not interested in having sex, I'm in my early 30's, my bf doesn't want to have sex, we are just stressed and tired, I don't have kids, he has a 9 year old, for years i wanted a child, now, I'm starting to feel like it's just not going to happen... I never feel good, I'm not happy about how my life has turned out, and can't really change it because I feel stuck in my career. I see all of these young girls having children, I was 20 when I got pregnant had no choice but to have an abortion. Really didn't have a choice then. Then at 27 found out again, and just got up the courage to end an abusive relationship with the father, so again, but had more of a choice. I was talked into having another abortion, people told me if I had his child, he fight me and get soul custody. Now I feel like I'm being punished for what I did. I know I'd be a wonderful mother, I just feel like it's never going to happen again, how can it if I don't even want to have sex? Did I mention I've gained about 30lbs from what I always usually was? For the past month I've been having cramps everyday, I keep feeling like I'm pregnant again but I get my period and I'm sad. I haven't had an orgasam with my boyfriend in over a year, doctor tells me it's bc of my medicine. I'm just a failure.