Depressed...trigger thoughts

I miss you sometimes angel baby. I know you are safe and happy wherever you are and I miss you. It breaks my heart to know I'm about to have your little sister, and you can't even meet her because of me ...but I know you are watching us. You would love Blakelee.. She is the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever met... I wish she would have been in my life when you were a part of me...I want to say things would have been different but I probably not. I'm sorry ... I'm sorry..I'm so so so so sorry. He suits tres desole mon petite Chou. I'm sure you would have been perfect... And so beautiful and I fucked up. All I can do is say sorry. I know I say Loralei will be my first baby but that's not true no matter how many times i say it.... I'm sorry angel baby I'm so sorry. 
Love mommy 
My throat feels tight when I breathe. It's hard to breathe. My heart beats faster than normal. Tears roll down my face but I'm not crying. I would like to hold you just once. I knew when I let you go I wouldn't see you for awhile, but I will see you again I promise. And I will hold you in heaven I promise, and I will give you all the kisses I couldn't in this life.