So af was supposed to be due tomorrow...

Yesterday i had a very small amount of brown spotting...just once when i wiped...then it stopped and there was me being daft enough to think that maybe...just maybe...it was implantation.

Today late morning it happened again. Then a couple of hours later it was briefly like a very dark reddy brown so thinking sensible i plugged in a tampon. The 2 that i used were barely messy...just brownish smudges the first time then a very pale pink the next so i just thought id use a liner...again thinking maybe late implantation.

After a couple of hours with the liner there was just a pinky discharge about the size of a 50p. 

Now its like a very light period...light red...slightly diluted looking...the witch will be full on soon im guessing.

To top it off and which doesnt make it easier...my oh brothers second baby is due saturday. Considering the fact that iv wanted a child since before they even knew eachother i think its fair to say jealousy is a major understatement.

Long story short...im fed up. Im fed up of seeing everyone around me having and getting the one thing i want more than anything else in the world while i cant get it. Nomatter how hard i work...how much i do...how much i want it, i cant and havent got it. Af is being a real bitch this cycle teasing me into thinking what if.

Sitting here in tears for the past hour has made me realise i dont know how much more heartache i can take looking at bfn after bfn every month. What am i doing wrong? Its still going to be like a slap in the face everywhere i go.

I was stupid to think maybe af is playing up for the good reasons and right now im thinking whats the point. Its only going to get harder and all i keep thinking is when will it be my turn.

I really do admire all of u that have been fighting for this for years...your alot stronger than i am...i dont know how u all do it. 

Im sorry about the essay girls...just have to get this off my chest