I just wanted to give my babies everything. I wanted to wait until I was 30 years old and have children when financially set. I looked at Wic and welfare and said I hope that's not me. I looked at single moms never thought I'd be here fighting for my child. I chose to have this baby and get pregnant but as a team, I felt amazing. I was happy jolly planning everything. My relationship was moving up getting married, moving in together, getting a car, and saving for baby and learning how to do everything together. I planned on working until birth and taking a year off, my boyfriend insisted I stay home during the pregnancy. I would stay home cook, clean, take care raise our child breast feeding. That was the goal but I moved in with my parents so he could get some space and he was always gone working, just I needed the money for support a cellphone, groceries for us baby &me. I needed maternity clothes and to go look at cribs for cost and budgeting. If he was supporting me as the sole provider like he insisted don't work I'll take care of you, I'm here worried about apartment deposit, money for the diapers, crib, groceries, I have a plan can make it work but he's just blowing money on his stuff, long story short he wants freedom can't deal with my emotions says hormones aren't real its a excuse. He doesn't know about morning sickness nothing super ignorant. I tell him its like pms he gets a idea started treating me better. But I'm still emotional one moment I want attention next moment I'm mommy mode cussing him out to get everything done together. I can't take his I don't understand why you are crying and want me and next moment your angry. He can't handle my adult conversation about a plan and a better life so we split up. He wanted freedom, I wanted a better man. He was going out with friends casinos putting locks on his cell. Just wanted him to get his act together and not lie to me and us be a team not me staying at my parents while he's living the vida loca. So it was back and forth we want to be a family, he's like love you. I just feel hurt by it all especially the communication. I wanted him to treat me and the baby better. It hurts because he's like two people some times he's sweet caring understanding next minute he's James bond living a double life idk where he is what's he doing a happy couple knows the summary of where you are what you did not every little details like I went to the bathroom and went to taco bell. I'm saying like I'm going to the casino you want to come or I'm with the guy's let me introduce you so you know they aren't bad guys. Etc. Communication key to a relationship and trust no communication no trust. I think he was getting vibes from me to clingy and needy and just wanted to be a team. So honestly I need support. I left the relationship I couldn't handle the lies, I love you but I'd rather spend my free time with friends than see my pregnant girlfriend I can understand share time but as a man who comes first what's your priority. So I'm pregnant no job because I depended on him I'm on government aid. And just am thinking the pain of trying to fix a relationship. I don't understand, I'm excited this is both our first time having a baby! I'm yes worried about money, but more importantly happy about our baby and he talked about this for years. I hate life just I'm happy because I deserve better but sometimes I think why couldn't he have treated me better wonderful. Honestly I have so much stress this pregnancy lol I thought I would take milk baths be covered in diamonds and just relax;) lol no I thought it would be calmer but its been stress after stress. I want to feel happy but I just don't know how to let myself be happy. My parents they hate my boyfriend. They think it was a mistake to have sex with him and thought I should of told them sooner to get a abortion. Now they think we are stuck. My mom is embarrassed because I'm not married and pregnant. Like I'm not permitted to celebrate my pregnancy. Her comment is the baby is here what else can we do. I always end up telling her stories, after we talk about my pregnancy. I tell her all the divorce stories, the single moms. She doesn't want to hear it. But I'm like look I've seen couples get married guy is abusive she leaves, I've seen married couples guy cheats woman files divorce is she less of a woman for leaving. Its like she a wishes I didn't choose him. 2wants me to marry the guy to save face. I'd love to get married to my boyfriend but he's abusive that's why I left. So honestly I need her support. She had two kids before getting married so maybe she was with my dad but they weren't married until I came along. What makes it to be ashamed of being pregnant and single it's not my fault, I wanted the relationship to work. I tried I put in 100 percent. So what I made a mistake, but it was my choice. I want support not just negative energy I'm already embarrassed about my boyfriend basically choosing to distance himself. And about the abusive me staying just because I loved him wanted to be a family. So it's my weight to carry but I'm carrying the weight of the world. I'm hiding from her church her friends, from everyone because she's uncomfortable wth am I going to do holding a infant you can't make a infant disappear she needs to accept the pregnancy. I need to also, I'm in a funk of denial. For months she keeps saying are you sure your pregnant. Maybe I didn't make the best choice but I'm not a heroin addict, I'm not a murderer. I just wish we could get along and talk with out hiding. I want to talk about things without it being taboo she never talked to me about sex just said save yourself until marriage. I can't communicate with people I feel like I'm to high strung. I just some times I keep my mouth shut because of all this they make themselves look like a victim instead of helping me. I just wish everything was different. I wanted my baby to grow up in a happy loved home not this mess not years of a relationship and for it to be a hurricane of feelings and lack thereof. Ugh honestly any just motivation tips please help I just worry too much about everything.