At 21 weeks with our second child, we found out our daughter had a neural tube defect. After being sent to numerous specialists, we found out she had spina bifida, as well as cleft foot, and brain damage. The doctors said she wouldn't be able to walk, she would be incompetent, have neurological problems as well as other things. Every doctor we spoke to said that we should terminate the pregnancy. I personally didn't know how I would ever be able to do this. But I also didn't know how I could put my little girl through such pain everyday and through all the surgeries that they told me she was going to need. Especially right from birth. Doctors were not even definate on her life expectancy either. And I feel that would be worse, to hold her and meet her and then lose her. Through much heartache and talk, we chose that route. Everyday I wonder if I made the right decision. When they had to inject her heart, I turned and saw on the ultra sound and watched her pass. It was the most God awful thing I have ever went through. I had a d&c and we took her ashes and they were put in a heart locket which we took to build a bear and put the ashes in. we know carry our little girl around with us everywhere and refer to her as sissy to our other daughter who is 16 months old. Four months have passed since we lost our daughter and I do feel that having her ashes in a bear that I can hold when I'm sad does help me. But nothing can ever take away the pain and grief and guilt. We did find out that we are expecting again. And I have scared as could be. We had absolutely no issues or problems with our first daughter and the doctors believe that it was just a fluke with what happened with our second, but I have so much anxiety but built up. I am 6 weeks pregnant, and the doctors are not seeing me until 8 weeks. I feel like that is sooo long and these next two weeks are going to be the longest of my life!! They are going to do early ultra sounds to make sure everything is ok this time and the specialists are also going to monitor me starting at 12 weeks... It's just these beginning weeks of wonder and not knowing are eating me up inside