So it's been about 15 years since I remember my sexual abuse starting and about 8 years since it stopped. I thought I was really good about dealing with it on my own all my life, but now as I'm 21 years old, about to graduate college and get married, I'm more sensitive than ever about child molestation and sexual abuse. I used to be able to block it out, laugh alongside distasteful and disgusting jokes about those things, but now, the simplest things send me back to my bedroom as a little girl. My fiancé and I have been sexually active for a few years, and sex never bothered me until here just recently. Sometimes I catch myself remembering my abusers breath and all I can do is lay there for my fiancé like I did as a child. I don't want that sex life for me and my soon to be husband. He is so loving and kind and I don't want our sex life to be ruined by me telling him "I can't do this, you're reminding me of my childhood abuse", because it would break his heart, he would never forgive himself for something he can't control. He knows of the abuse and my relationship with the abuser, but he is not constantly reminded of it like I am, in my head, all day, everyday, nor do I want him to be. This used to not be my life, I could avoid it, and say "it happened for a reason" but I'm really starting to struggle with it. I don't know what to do, how to fix it. I don't want this to begin taking over my life when my life is just beginning. Too much of my life was already stolen from me, I don't want this in my future. I can't talk to a counselor or anything because I fear they would have to report this, and I do not want this information getting out in my small town, because it would and I don't want the stares and whispers and rumors and the stigma surrounding me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE.