I have no one but my husband to talk to, and he's not much help, so I'm going to unload on you ladies. I apologize in advance for the long post.
Friday night I had cramps similar to AF coming, my lower back was hurting, and a dull pressure in my lower abdomen. I went to the restroom and there was brown, old looking blood. I called our clinical nurse sobbing.
Saturday morning the cramps had eased considerably, but the blood was a brighter color. The clinical nurse had me go in for bloods Saturday morning and a transvaginal ultrasound that Saturday afternoon. We couldn't see anything on the u/s; as it turns out, my hCG is only at 1300, and it needs to be around 2000 for anything to be seen on sonograms. Last Monday I was at 331, so the rise has been less than impressive. The doctor was expecting me to be around 3300 by this time. We're not even sure how far along I am yet due to highly irregular cycles and disappearing periods, but my doctor originally guessed 6 weeks based on my LMP. Now she's thinking I'm closer to 4 1/2 weeks with my hCG being so low.
My doctor has requested more blood work tomorrow morning to see which way my hCG is moving, and another ultrasound Tuesday morning. She has suggested that I get ready for a loss as her confidence in this pregnancy is wavering. My hCG isn't rising as fast as she would like it too, and the bleeding isn't helping. I'm praying she's wrong, that my levels will continue to rise, that my baby is fine.
But I can't stop crying. I'm terrified of losing this child. I had no idea that I could love someone else so much, without ever having actually met them. I fell in love with this baby the second I found out it was growing inside me. And now I feel like a failure, as a mother and a wife. After 18 months of trying to give my husband the child we so desperately want, I finally get the chance and I'm screwing it up. You will never know grief until you are threatened with losing a child.
If you're the praying kind, please say one for me and mine. If you're not, a kind thought will be appreciated.