Need some support
In September I went to see my gyno because I had been bleeding almost continuously for a month and a half. In a span of 20 minutes I found out that I was pregnant and had had a miscarriage. I was elated hearing the news that I was pregnant. My husband and I had decided to stop using birth control and just let what whatever happen, happen. We both really want kids and this would have been our first. However, when my doc said something seemed really wrong I started to get nervous. She did an ultrasound and there on the screen was my 7 week old lifeless baby angel. I had so much running through my head and so many emotions about it that I couldn't make sense of what was happening. The next day I had a D&C, and my doc said that she wanted me to go through two normal cycles before trying again.
Since then I have been on such a roller coaster of emotions. I don't understand why it happened, or what caused it. But I can't help but feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed. I haven't talked much about the experience to anybody but my husband because of those negative feelings. I also haven't found anybody with a similar situation to mine so I feel like it's difficult to connect. (Or maybe I'm just building those walls in my head?).
This month I felt like I was getting a better handle on my emotions (not crying all the time or feeling completely unmotivated to do anything). That was until my birthday, when my best friend told me that her and her boyfriend just found out they are expecting. I hadn't told her anything about my miscarriage because I just wasn't sure how to yet. In her excitement, one of the first things she said was "I was really hoping that you would say you're pregnant too!".... If I hadn't lost the baby, I would have been. That thought crushed me.
I have really tried to look at all of the positives in my life and be grateful for what I do have. Unfortunately this whole experience has made that really challenging. I feel selfish for saying this, but I am tired of being so sad and want to be over this. I just don't know how. I'm wondering if anyone out there has advice or has been in a similar situation and could tell me what you have done?
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