Some days are harder than others.

I just have to rant for a minute.

It's been 3 years since I miscarried and some days are still hard.

Lately, it's been on my mind often. It's hard watching women I know get pregnant, when I'm afraid that I will be someone who has miscarriage after miscarriage until I am too old to have a child, or until I am too heartbroken to keep trying. It is even harder to watch when these girls do things that directly impact the health of their baby (like refusing to go to any and all prenatal doc appointments for months at a time because it is "incontinent" for them. Or continuing heavy drug use. Things along that line.). It bothers me so much to hear them complain about how it's "the wrong time", or how they are ruining their figure for "something that will only eat, cry, and poop for months". And then to watch them give birth to a healthy child, and STILL complain about it... I'd give anything to feel my baby growing and heathy inside me, to be welcoming a heathy child into this world.

I try so much to keep myself from having hard feelings towards these women, but some days it is really hard.

I want so, so much to be a mother. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was 22 and terrified. The man I was with didn't want the baby, and was boarder line abusive. But even still, I wanted that child more than anything. There was never a doubt in my mind that I'd keep the pregnancy (against his wishes) and raise my child. When I lost the baby, I was devastated. I didn't talk about it for a year. My ex basically said, "Let me know when you stop bleeding, so we can continue having sex" and that was the extent of his grief at losing the child.

I'm now so afraid that I may never have a heathy pregnancy, that I might never have children.

I'm also a little bit afraid of getting pregnant again. My boyfriend and I aren't actively TTC, but we aren't trying to prevent it either. He wants more kids (has a child from a previous relationship) and I want to have a baby, so if it happens neither of us are going to be displeased in the least. We'd be over joyed.

My problem is that some days really are harder than others. There are days that I'm so happy at the prospect of getting pregnant again. And then some days, I'm terrified...

Thank you all for entertaining this rant. I just had to get it out, because today is one of those harder days.