It's been a year of ups and downs. Mostly downs. My dad passed away (it's odd to type that I usually say when dad left) a year ago on the 29th of January. Then my SO's estranged father passed away on my birthday in March. About that time my mom started what would turn into an Odyssey of hellish conditions brought about by her 20 year long stalker situation. She is currently in he second continuous month of hospitalization. The stalker is a man she was married to for 1 year and had my sister with who is now 21. He forced his way into her home and began drugging her (he's a family practice doctor) she spent 4 total days in her home from Dec 13th until today. Each of those 4 days resulted in a trip to the ER and each trip revealed another fracture. Pelvis, hip, arm, ribs. I called adult protective services, police reports were made, hospital security was involved and the medical board to no avail. Nothing was done. She received visits from him at the hospital where she became less and less coherent. He was still drugging her. Strangely enough he even manged to take her alone down a hallway in the hospital that resulted in yet another "fall" apparently my mom "falls" a lot. She was transferred and he wasn't informed where. He had stolen her cell phone the night before from the hospital and when she basically disappeared from him he started blowing up my phone trying to find her. I went along with it. I confused and derailed him at every turn he thinks she is 5 hours away in a rehab facility. I called them to check their privacy policy. He can call forever and they will neither admit to nor deny if she is a resident. She's really 45 minutes from my house. That's back story to get you to the now part... On the 1st of February I had what I initially thought was an early visit from AF. I only had 3 bright pink spots about the size of a nickel on my tissue. I wasn't due for another 8 days. Frustrated because the last two visits were off I rolled my eyes and got on with the day. By the 3rd AF never showed but by then I'd started having huge salt craving and was emotionally off the charts. I chalked it up to an electrolyte imbalance and lingering grief over the one year mark on my dad. My brain kept saying pregnant. I was like yeah, brain whatever. For a solid 16 years I'd tried with my partner and maybe hoped for it with a guy I had dated for a couple of years before I met my SO. Nothing. I lost about a hundred pounds during this last year. I'd felt the worst pain ever. My dad had raised me as a single parent and his departure was nothing short of devastating. He had always been my true north. Hunger is a pain. A pain that didn't even register on my radar any longer. I ate if I thought about it or if I sat down long enough with my SO I'd pick at what he left on his plate. Moving forward I started therapy, worked on eating better & healthier, I started drinking raw milk, stop using as many poison filled commercial products as I could around the house and little by little I started to realign. What I haven’t mentioned is I'd become obsessed with tracking everything relateded to my fertility. On multiple apps. My SO is cold and distant at best. He always has been. He rarely wants to be intimate so imagine how difficult ttc has been. He believes most couples have sex 1 or 2 times a month. Getting a week out him during my charted fertile time was near impossible. I'm sure there are plenty of factors. One is he has never once said out loud that he found me pretty or desirable and has been my biggest "supporter" to lose weight for the last 5 years. Until I'm a size zero I'll never have lost enough. He's basically a horrible human but I kept missing it. He manipulates better than any person I've ever seen but recently I'm wondering if he's not a sociopath. Finally around Christmas of last year I just gave up. That's about the time mom's health really started to decline. All this time and not much good was happening. SO and I fought day and night because in September I let my 33 yr old brother, his weird sneaky wife, and 2 kids move in "for a couple of weeks" they just left about 3 weeks ago. All of this was a chaotic stress fest. TTC took a back seat to trying to just get through the day. This is so long. Sorry but if you're still with me in almost there. On the fourth of February I finally broke down and took a hpt (remember AF isn't due until the 9th) it was a first response and it went instant positive. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I called SO into the bathroom and showed him. I saw the look on his face but it didn't register. Then he said I don't want to hear anything until the doctor says its ok. I took it as nerves. Sometimes things feel too good to be true. I understand and kept my crazy excitement to myself (and the glow community) I got confirmation from the lab on Monday and a referral to see a nutritionist because I'm below the curve. I honestly don't remember how to eat because hungry isn't real to me anymore. Don't get me wrong I still weigh a whopping 305 lbs but I went from 312 to 304 in the first few days of pregnancy. Unintended weight-loss has kind of become my normal. So yesterday I casually mentioned the need to not lose any more weight while I was eating a super sensible meal. To which he replied, "NOT LOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT?" angrily. I sheepishly said, "well for now". At that point I guess he felt like honestly he should just make me feel like dirt. So he follows that by why didn't you get in shape before getting pregnant? The last thing you need is a baby. There's enough things here already you can barely take care of. In my defense I "take care" of everything from his pair of 100 plus pound dogs, screaming parrot, bearded dragon, down to multiple fish tanks. I pay every bill and buy 70 percent of anything that comes into the house for our personal use. I also cook and clean and handle his laundry and deal with his weird social issues and inability to just tell people I don't want to do something. So yeah, I have a lot going on and maybe the clean laundry doesn’t always get folded. I just walked out of the room and finished my dinner alone. I was a little hurt but have gotten used to his hostility. During the few days that this was happening my mom was put into a medically induced coma. I didn't get to tell her anything. She woke up!! Yesterday. I told about the baby and she was so happy. Her first question, like any other person I've told, is a half way sarcastic... What does Jamie think? I moved into my own room yesterday. There's a lot of tiny details I left out but there's already so much I've told. I don't know if I'm venting or looking for advice. I just know one thing, despite all the downs, the chaos, and hurt feelings I couldn't be happier if I tried. For the first time in a year I'm not just waiting to get through the day. I have life and light inside of me. Maybe I'm just telling you this so you know life moves at its own pace. Sometimes we trade the life we've been living for another. This is a trade I'm willing to make. I'd rather be a 38 year old single mama then the doormat of an hate-filled little man-boy. You just keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself.