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horribly STRESSFUL FIRST TRIMESTER. Feeling guilty and afraid. HELP!

Hey lovely ladies. It's a tad long but I appreciate in advance you reading and commenting. It means a lot to me 💞

So, I'm carrying a miracle baby. After being told I probably couldn't conceive without loads of planning, and never getting pg my entire adult life, it finally happened for me in the CRAZIEST way. I knew I was pg before I even tested. I saw a vision of my son and I conceived on Christnas, which also happened to be the day I ovulated.

Awesome right?! EXCEPT, my child's father and I have been on and off and he's acting crazy. We're communicating, phone/text/FT, but it's like he's afraid to actually face me ever since I've been pg. every time I'm supposed to see him he disappears or starts a fight and this NEVER happened in 2 yrs of us dating, this is new; and he's wanted a baby with me for nearly two years! He even CRIED TEARS OF JOY when I gave him the pg test!!!! I also know his family and so on, have been his gf a while, so it's not a matter of another woman or anything like that. He's being loving one minute and sweet and then just randomly angry. Literally he can't face me....to his credit I did leave the country for about a week, and he is REALLY pissed about that and thinks I may have been seeing done else. I just want to see him in person and it's scaring me not to be able to. Everyone that knows us tells me I have nothing to worry about and he will come around but this is STRESSFUL! I feel that he's using this pregnancy as leverage to get me to be with him, and I won't do that arbitrarily. I wont settle for a situation unless I feel it's just right for me. The potential is there, but not certain it's what I want yet.

My family has been majorly rocked by the news, given that they thought it was impossible for me to have a baby and that I'm not married etc. There has been fighting galore.

I have my own start up which keeps me busy and I just want to focus on that but I do find myself foggy and tired ALOT. I worry and want to make a lot of money before my child is born.

I just had a horrible accident where I fainted and fell and broke my jaw. Baby is ok tho.

All in all its been pretty awful for me, and I feel totally ungrateful and pretty much not excited. I'm scared and feel like the timing is horrid. But then I remind myself it's a miracle and I just gotta have faith.

I want to be that super excited pg woman. I know I'll be a phenomenal mother, but no one has been excited with me. No one talks about baby other than all the drama or negatives. No planning or buying things or baby name stuff....I've been sad and I guess I am worried about all the external circumstances, and have no clue where to move or what route to take. Feel like I have to figure out my whole life in a few short months. Just overwhelmed 😔

I'm 8 weeks

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