Boyfriend troubles

So there was a big age gap between me and my ex but we loved each other everyone's painting him up like he's a monster and I've tried to convince myself that was the cars but it wasn't it was love. And I love him so much and he wants me back and k want to be with him. I've told everyone what they want to hear but it wasn't true. I suffer with bipolar disorder and was depressed and now this is the icing on the cake. I want to be with him and I don't know what to do my depressions getting worse and I've even got to the stage where I'm feeling suicidal and i feel like I can't talk to anyone without them getting angry and I don't know what to do. Told my counsellor I've written a suicide letter and she just said "hang in there". Little bit of a pun there. And I don't know what to do. The one person I could speak to about all of this isn't aloud to see me. And I feel broken and hurt and dark and in severe emotional pain.