baby mama/spouses ex drama. what would you do?!

Question

I guess I'm turning to here because none of my friends or family understand what I'm going through so it's hard to talk to them about it. Ok so very long story short..

I met my husband in may- I was aware he had an ex girlfriend who was 3 months pregnant. (By ex girlfriend- they dated for a month and my husband was not happy with her but she did get pregnant). he tried to keep contact with her because he fully intended on being in the babies life. she ended up cutting ties with him when he left her, and had a new boyfriend be the child's father. (To add, she is not a good person. threatened abortions and miscarriages even faked going to an abortion appointment to try to keep my husband around) My husband didn't give up, he constantly asked to see the baby, offered money or things she needed for the baby- just to get turned down. She has even gone as far as to say she's glad I had a miscarriage because my husband doesn't deserve another child.  Yes, he should have gone to court a long time ago but he never did. She filed sole custody papers with lies that my husband was abusive (he wouldn't hurt a fly) and that he was a danger to the child. things got so out of control and things were said on both ends that it just became a toxic situation for everyone involved. my husband has yet to even meet his child who is now 15 months old.  The mother of the child has had at least 3 guys hat we know of (from seeing on social media) call her child their daughter/have the child call them dad. my husband doesn't even feel like the child's father from being pushed so far away. 
His final decision was to give all his rights away (he still plans on paying health insurance and child support like he always has, he just will stop reChing out to the mom) and wait until his daughter is old enough to understand things/wait until the mom has no control and then reach out to her.

Part of me says it's the best thing to do for the child to not be in such a toxic and drama filled situation.. Part of me is sad she won't know her real father cause he's an amazing man. And we are trying for a baby, and I hate knowing my children will have a half sibling and not be able to know her.

I guess I just need some input/opinions on what you would do or say.. What's right.

Answer

That's a tough spot. My only thought is that if he relinquishes his rights his child might see that as not wanting to be part of her life when she's old enough to understand. That might talk her out of reaching out. Best of luck to you guys!

Answer

I am going through a similar situation with my husband and his ex-girlfriend. My step daughter is 7 year old and is special needs. The mom has been involved with CPS twice and it has been an on and off battle for my husband. My husband and I weren't married when they went to court the first time and it was difficult because my husband was stationed in New York and the court case was taking place in Texas. Regardless of the distance and the difference in gender my husband was able to get primary custody because he fought and never stopped fighting. We are going to court again because the mother wants primary custody now and were more than positive that she will not win this case either. I would recommend that your husband not sign over his rights but instead fight for his little girl. Time is something that we can never get back, and he will regret missing out on all the birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas', and Father's Day's with her. In regards to the claims she made about him being abusive, the courts shouldn't be taking her word for it, they usually need concrete evidence, like a police report documenting the abuse otherwise it's not valid. I can say that custody battles are pretty pricey and can take a long period of time, but as long as your honest with yourself and everyone in court, everything will fall into place and in your favor.

Answer

I think that's a good decision. I'd have done same thing. When she's older she will know why her dad wasn't in the picture then the mother will have to explain her bad behaviour.

Answer

I am in the same boat except my husband and his ex were in high school when the lil girl was born... she didn't even tell him she was pregnant until she gave birth (they went to different schools). Now 5 years later we are married and she is now on her second marriage. My husband and I have talked about the whole DNA  and court proceedings but it is ultimately up to him. He says he doesn't want to interrupt her life bc it's all she has ever known.. I understand that and as his wife I have to respect his decision... what I hate about it is that he is miss out on her life as well. I can see the hurt in him when it gets brought up and then he completely shuts down on me and it's the end of the discussion... his ex has spread countless lies about him thru the public she event went as fars as recognizing a t-shirt on someone and bringing up the whole situation to a stranger and called him a dead beat dad (which is not the case at all). I've never talked to her b4, but I've seen her in public twice and she had her current hub message me on Facebook starting useless drama. When I mentioned getting attorneys involved for custody he quit replying... it's diff a difficult situation. I don't want my future kids not to know about her, so I plan on being honest from the get go.

Answer

I would say that dads have as many rights as mums.
Why not seek the help of a solicitor so that he can see the child?
Honestly it is very honourable and defo the right thing to do that he pays etc but it's unfair that he cannot see his child.
If it was me I would be seeking the help of a professional in the field, usually the very threat of access will help to give her a gentle push.

baby mama/spouses ex drama. what would you do?!

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