Felt guilty :(

So this month is my first round of clomid... I almost didn't start it this month. As excited as I am now. And how badly we've wanted and have been trying. My best friend died in a car accident March 31st... I have had a world of emotions and continue too she was the only one I talked to regularly about ttc and waiting to try the clomid. I sent her a negative test and my disappointed the morning her mother called and told me she was gone... My confidant my best friend for 13 years. My sister. I told my boyfriend I no longer wanted to try. It felt wrong. That she should be an aunt when it finally happens. But she'd never meet them... How can I go on with my future while she doesn't.....

Well the next day I got this baby formula in the mail. The funny thing is it went to my ex husbands house so he brought it to my bfs work and gave it to him.... I'm not signed up for any samples n the only baby app I have is glow. We opened it and were like WTF and started laughing. Our other friend said its like sami (my best friend that passed) just played an April Fools joke on you.... Shed have done all that..... I just looked at my bf and he said she'd never want you to quick trying because she's gone. She loved you and she would have loved our future baby too. Shed kick your ass for stopping life....

Idk I still have guilt she'll never be a mom she'll never get married she won't be there in the delivery room like she said she would when the time finally came....