Heartbroken and don't know how to feel

Well, I was due nov this year, 2nd pregnancy complete shock. Was over the moon. However I was scared to death as I'm diabetic and what not, and was not monitoring my diabetes or caring about myself. (Yay depression.) Right when I found out I was pregnant I changed everything in my power. I'm scared of doctors, pelvic exams etc high anxiety, scared to ever do insulin. Yet I did. I let tons of people in the room to watch me get a pelvic and transvaginal ultrasound, I started insulin, if you knew me you would know how much I tried. Had my first ob appt the 5th. They did the ultrasound and transvaginal ultrasound but couldn't really see anything so they did blood work, told me to come back in 2 days to see if my levels had increased. So last Thursday I go back in trying to think positive. They did another ultrasound, again nothing. Then they think they see the baby in the stomach... So they send me to the ER thinking it was ectopic. Spent hours in the ER praying everything was ok. Thankfully wasn't ectopic, just high up in the uterine wall. Was measuring at 5 weeks instead of 7 or 8. They gave me some pills to help the mc happen faster and some pain meds. I'm still bleeding still hurting. I have no idea how much I'm supposed to as it was never explained. They told me not to blame myself. But I do. I'm constantly apologizing to my husband my son my would be baby. If my sugars weren't so high, if I didn't worry so damn much, if I weren't so heavy. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I never let people see me cry. I feel weak crying. I don't know why. Yet this I can't hide. I feel so guilty. So inadequate. My "best friend" stayed the night Friday... She's 15wks pregnant. I'm happy for her don't get me wrong. But she kept bragging about her healthy pregnancy, every other sentence about how she loves pregnancy and her baby this and that. I of course just smiled because I didn't want to offend her and her leave me. I put others feelings ahead of my own. Not once did she gold me, say sorry, or try to console me. Granted I try to hold it together as best as I can. Saturday she made me go out to ihop because she was hungry and insisted we go out. Right before we left I let my guard down and broke down. Did she console me? No, she was too busy on her phone. Then when she finally left, she said she had fun and should get together more... Fun.

Of course she texts me yesterday saying she's here if I need her. She was here, she wasn't here to listen to me or be there for me.. Of course I didn't say anything because I'm too nice, so I just take it. I feel so defeated. I thought I couldn't ever have another baby.... I finally gave up hope and then got pregnant..... And here I am crying and bleeding on a pad. I honestly don't know if how I feel it's normal or if I'm overreacting. I'm numb yet feel everything. I've lost what faith I had, I'm a depressed mess. Also have my follow up ob appt I was told to go to tomorrow. I don't want to see the babies and happy pregnant people there, I don't want to show emotion, I'm scared I'm bleeding too much, will they reschedule me? Am I really supposed to still go, or will they think I'm stupid for showing up? Am I supposed to be done bleeding? Am I going to be an inconvenience them bleeding still? Please don't judge me, I honestly have no idea what to expect at all. When will my period come back? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough? Did I not try hard enough? Can I even have another, should I? My husband and I have always wanted another child, but what if I'm not good enough to do this again? I feel just so defeated. I'm so sorry for the wall of text and hope I don't sound stupid. This is also my first post on glow. Will anyone read this? I feel so alone. I know I'm not. But I honestly hate myself right now.