Stepchildren?! Advice please!

Question

I have three stepchildren 15,12,10! Their father and I have been together for a year and a half, have been married for a year and four months (Yes we married quickly but we have known eachother since 2012) and we have a five month old daughter. Even after all of this time and their sister being born they still don't accept me in their life as a parental figure, it's a real struggle because their mother despises and talks badly about me to them. My stepdaughter has even gone as far as to try to shake up our marriage with lies to her father and to her biological mother. Does anyone else have this problem?  Why won't they just accept their father and I are very happy and I'm not going anywhere? How can I get through to them?

Answer

In the grand scheme of things, it's only been a year and a half since you've been together. You got married immediately and then got pregnant. That's a lot for kids to handle. My mom married my stepfather when i was six and I can remember him always being around, even before they were married. For all intents and purposes he is my dad, but over the last 30 years he and I have had a very turbulent relationship. Seriously, after 30 years we still have problems and he and my mom have been divorced for well over 15 years.

So imagine how your stepchildren feel after only a year and a half. They probably feel like there is a lot happening to their lives and it's completely put of their control. Their dad married a new person and then had a new baby. It's a lot to take in. Maybe take a step back for a second and see it from their perspective. You want to be a family, but only on your terms. It's just not that simple.

Answer

Give them time. You met and got married so fat they never had time to get to know you before you came into their lives and took on the 'mother' roll. I hated all of my dads girlfriends bc they weren't my mom as a kid. It's a very hard thing to go through as a child, you're too young to understand why their parents aren't together anymore and now there's this new girl and this new baby taking up their dads time and life and it's all probably very overwhelming and hard for them. They need time to adjust.

Answer

You just have to prove yourself to them.  A year and a half is not that long when you are talking about being a mom figure.  Don't let them get the best of you and don't be fake to them either.  Just love them and treat them like your children.  They will come around eventually but you gotta give them more time to warm up.  Good luck!

Answer

It's going to take more then a year and a half to be accepted. Don't push it. Let your husband take the roll of disciplinarian. He needs to make sure they respect you. Everything else comes in time. I've been married to my husband for 4 years I still have issues with his 7 year old. I'm sure we have all heard it from our step children. " you know your not my mom right. " I almost lost it but all I said was it doesn't mean I can love you like you were my daughter. Even though one weekend might of ended on a bad note, I just start the next weekend with no grudges fresh every time.

Answer

Why does the ex hate you? Did he cheat on her with you? There has to be something else behind the behavior. Did you guys once get into a huge argument? Were you once friends?

Answer

I've had 4 step-fathers in my life. I'm an adult know but I can tell you that when I was a kid I resented them. I never knew my biological father so my situation was a little different. I hated that these guys came into my house and changed things, told me what to do and took my mom's time away from me.  They are kids and they don't know how to express their feelings in a mature way. Talk to your husband about what his ex is doing. Try to connect with the kids. Tell them you aren't there to take away time with their dad, you just love him too.

Answer

They don't really care that their dad is happy. Their world was thrown into chaos and have no idea if the stability of the moment (you and dad) is going to last or impload. Remember, their mom and dad were happy at one point too. Bracing for the next change is normal. Also, just a side note - you don't have to like everyone in your family. Personalities don't always click.  I'd recommend pulling back on the need for them to love you... Maybe that old dating rule applies a little here? Desperation has a stink to it, those that want it too much don't get it?

Answer

My parents got married about that quickly when I was 15, and I hated my stepdad for the next ten years. I had no say, there was a me little kid in my house, touching my things, and I was miserable.

I think people try to rush too quickly in to the parent role. You are to be given respect the way any adult would be, but let dad do most of the parenting heavy lifting. Make sure to give them time where is just the oldest kids and dad. And you take time out to take just the older kids out too.

Answer

You cant. It will likely never get better. They now feel pushed aside because daddy has a new wife and a new child that are the number one's in his life (not saying this is what is happening, this is their perception). They don't have a "normal" family, and never will. (With mom and dad together). I suggest listening to Dr. Laura. She gives fabulous advice, especially on this topic. She recommends never marrying someone with minor children for this very reason. It really hurts the children involved.

Answer

In same boat, but my husband and i are ttc our first. im worried how his 14yr old daughter will take it once we do get  pregnant. She loves causing shit. The 2 boys im not as worried about, they seem better with me.

Stepchildren?! Advice please!

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