Please no rude comments or bashing me for this I feel guilty enough for even feeling this way.

I have bipolar depression an I weaned myself off my meds when I found out I was pregnant. I'm now almost 11 weeks an Ive been going through emotional hell. I'm so depressed an feel so miserable an hate life an I feel so guilty because I know there are women who can't get pregnant an want it more then anything. I'm so ashamed for not being happy about this an having thoughts of ending it, it wasn't planned an I wasn't ready. I want children an everything but not right now with all the financial problems I have. I can't end it though because my mom would hate me forever, it's the 1st grandchild she gets to be involved in. I know I need to get help but I'm scared about birth defects from the medication I will probably be put on since I'm having sucidel thoughts. I feel like I can't do this anymore I hate life an I don't care about anything. I'm so scared that I'm going to have the worst ppd after the baby is born too. I'm scared an feel so alone an like no one understands how I feel. I can't just snap my fingers an get over things. I can't just change my train of thought or anything like that. Everyone thinks it's so easy to just change the way you think but that's not me. I don't want to go to a mental hospital until my second trimester but I don't know if I can make it until then.

Again please no rude comments or bashing me I'm just really struggling right now an want some good vibes sent my way an if there are any others that suffer with bipolar depression if they have any advice

Thanks