He's a very funny and joking guy so he was all funny during the last weeks since we found it out while I was totally freaking out. 

He's just such a sunshine the doctors and nurses told me that they've never seen such a happy cancer patient and I'm glad that it doesnt affect him that much or at least he won't show his emotions but like when they told us he probably won't need chemotherapy he was like "fuck yeah dude gotta keep my hair" and we all laughed and today he was like "come on lets go to the beach one last time before I'm all old and can't move" so we did even tho I was very anxious the whole time so he can just be happy for a few hours so when he fell asleep a few hours ago now (and the reason I can't sleep now) he was like "Don't worry you're basically in the room but they'll just cut through your face" because he has a drawn/comic like version of me/a picture of me tattooed all over his chest and idk I just dont know I feel incredibly anxious and so scared and I just want him to be alright but he doesnt even seem like it bothers him.

Of course it does bother him thats just his way to hide it and he doesnt want to show me because I'm stressed because of the kids already and my pregnancy but I cant help myself but think "what if something terrible happens and he won't get out of that surgery room" and a few days ago he was like talking to our best friend (we all know each other since we were tiny ass children) and he was like "no the house will be on Beeks and the cars and everything as well and once they're 18 she can descide which of the properies to give whom (we have a few apartments in London/Germany etc) but this house will 100% be hers thats just where we were like building this family on man" 

And I can't help myself but feel extremely broken.

I just hope its my hormones and that talk never happened and he'll be totally fine being just himself when his surgery is over.