This is gonna be long, but it's more for my sanity if anything... please forgive me! I love Glow so much, and all the love and support I've been shown here, but lately I've been seriously considering deleting the app as I'm pretty sure I'm just a hopeless case at this point, and it almost seems pathetic that I'm still lurking around on here. I almost feel like I don't even belong on here anymore and need to just get real with myself that it's never gonna happen & move on with my life. It's so freakin hard tho... saying goodbye to a dream I've wanted more than anything and have worked SO hard for. Something in the greater universe just hates me I guess, and it hurts so bad watching countless others go on to get their happy ending and I'm still sitting here, a hopeless, barren NOTHING. Our story started 21 months ago when I was full of hope and excitement. I'd come on here and see women ttc for months, even years, and would think to myself, "Oh how tragic and sad. I can't even imagine that pain, as surely that will never me. We'll get pregnant in no time!". And now, 3 months shy of 2 years ttc, and I know that pain more than I ever wanted. It is my constant companion now, an empty, hollow nothing in the middle of my soul. It feels THAT dark and lonely, and most of the time I just feel so angry. My husband has a balanced translocation of the 13th & 14th chromosomes (a blow to the gut we discovered about 3 months ago). What this means is that chromosomes 13 & 14 are fused together, and an "arm" on #13 has fallen off. It's a fertility death sentence basically. It doesn't make getting pregnant impossible, but DOES make a healthy, full-term pregnancy unlikely. What's MORE likely with couples with a balanced translocation is repeated chemical losses and miscarriages, as the embryo is not getting the correct genetic coding that it needs to progress and be viable. But here's where the root of my anger and frustration lies... I'm on an online support group for couples with balanced translocation, but instead of support, all I'm getting is just a greater sense of total hopelessness. A lot (if not most) of these couples have gone on to have at least one successful pregnancy, and are working hard to beat the odds again for a second, even THIRD time, in many cases. We can't even beat the odds ONCE!!!! Yes, these woman have been forced to endure countless losses before they were able to get a pregnancy (or 2 or 3) to finally "stick", and I feel for their struggle, I really do, but I can't even get a LOSS! NOTHING!!! I know it sounds INSANE for me to say such a horrible thing, but at this point, I feel like SOMETHING would be better than nothing! I feel like even if I did experience a CP or MC, at LEAST it would be a sign that we can actually conceive at all! But instead, I go month after month after month doing EVERYTHING right for absolutely NOTHING to happen! Not even a HINT of a second line, and AF shows up right on time, EVERY time. I hear these woman share their stories about how they went thru 3 or 4 losses before they finally got their miracle baby, and I'm just thinking, "Well at least SOMETHING happened to keep you going and help keep your hope alive. At least you knew you could get pregnant AT ALL!". Yeah, that's a shitty way of thinking about it, but at this point, I'd do anything for at least a sign that we can even conceive at all. A loss would be absolutely terrible, but literally NOTHING happening whatsoever is PURE HELL, and makes me think: Why am I even still trying? There's no hope, no sign, that we can even conceive at all, and it makes me so mad when I see these stories of couples in the exact situation as us looking to beat the odds AGAIN! Why can't I even get a shot at that ONCE?! So yes, I know my thought process is so backward and screwy some may never be able to understand, but it's how I feel, and I can't change that. These are my true, honest feelings, and I just feel so damn ALONE and angry. It makes me so mad that the one thing that's easy for 90% of the rest of the reproducing population (90% of couples will conceive within 1 year of ttc) is the ONE thing that is so far out of my reach that I'm a fool for even continuing to try! I know they say be careful what you wish for, but at this point, I'd take anything just to have a SLIVER of hope that it's even possible. I'm just broken, and needed to get this OUT before it consumed me completely. The anger, isolation and sadness are just too much to bear sometimes, and I don't think I can do this anymore. My biggest challenge thus far tho is trying to figure out how to just let go.