When I first found out I was pregnant, I had been with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 months. I've always had feelings of wanting to be with him all the time and sometimes not wanting to be with him at all. A week or so before I took my first pregnancy test, I was contemplating leaving him and just doing whatever I wanted. I wanted to really figure out what life had to offer. I wanted to gain as many skills and unique experiences as I could. Though for the life of me I could never leave. Perhaps it was because of my codependency or that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to make it, but that doesn't really matter now. I stayed.

Once my <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">period tracker</a> app said I was a day late, I had a test lying around in wait already. I told my boyfriend about it and went into the bathroom. I just sat there staring at the stick. I watched the fluid run up the strip in the little circular window. It was showing negative but I knew it took awhile for the results to be presented. After a few more minutes that felt more like hours I just sighed in relief and took the test to go let my boyfriend that he wasn't going to be a father just yet. I hugged him and he asked to see the test for him own confirmation.

I remember seeing the confusion on his face as I handed the test that was sticking halfway out of the wrapping to him. I glanced at the results again and my heart stopped. Clear as day, as solid as the floor I stood on, there was a positive sign. It wasn't a faint or barely noticeable line, it was an in-your-face-this-is-what-your-future-consists-of-now line.

I couldn't comprehend anything at that moment. It wasn't getting through. What was happening? I hadn't planned for kids until way later. I hadn't gone to college yet. I only had entry level jobs that paid shit wages. I never babysat any kids before. I was the youngest child in my family. I didn't know squat about anything. I wanted to have fun stories to tell my kids of what my life was like before them. I didn't have any of those stories yet. How could I possibly raise this child and be a mother? A good mother that raised great children into adults. I barely saw myself as an adult at 21. I was still living at my parent's house. My mom was still helping me out with my car insurance and I could barely wake up in the morning to get to work on time. How am I going to do all this stuff and raise a human being that totally depends on me for everything?

I can't. There's no way. It's impossible.

But I just smiled to my boyfriend. He was staring at me with concern and love. I already knew he'd want to keep it. We've talked about this before. No protection is 100%. I was in shock. I honestly didn't know that I was. I just did what I thought I should do. What I assumed he would want me to do. So we talked about it for a while. We didn't even bring up if we'd keep it or not, that wasn't in the question.

After our discussion we took to our phones, looking up everything you need to do once you find out you're pregnant.

- Confirm pregnancy with a doctor

- Take prenatal vitamins

- Stop everything harmful you're doing

- Eat better

- Exercise carefully unless you're used to a certain routine

- Kegels

The list went on.

About a few weeks later, after confirming that I actually was pregnant with my family doctor, I went to the store and bought aspirin and vitamin C. For three days straight, I took large amounts of these two combined. I had even bought a mixture of other herbal supplements that I also read online could induce miscarriage. I dreamt one night that I had blood on my underwear and I was relieved. I woke up to realize that it hadn't been true. I knew that if I continued to take the aspirin at the unhealthy dose I was taking it at, I could harm myself.

I ended up calling my best friend and telling her what I was doing. She cried with me and told me that if I didn't want this baby that abortion was much safer than what I was doing. So we looked into that option. It was too costly for my current shared budget with my boyfriend. If I took that much out he'd suspect something was up. I called abortion funds and asked for help and only one place would. They barely gave me half the funds to cover it but it helped. I had a surgical appointment set for two weeks. My boyfriend didn't know anything about anything that I had done or was planning on doing. I tried to make sure I didn't seem withdrawn from him or do anything for him to expect me of being up to something. Since I read that the recovery time after the procedure wasn't a pretty one, I arranged to stay the weekend at my friends since the procedure was on a Saturday morning. I lied to my boyfriend that she wanted to hang out and catch up and he believed it. Why wouldn't he? I told my boss that family was coming in and I needed those days off. He granted me that.

I was obsessed about looking up things about abortion, especially the mental and emotional aftermath. I didn't feel like I'd regret any of it. I felt like I'd feel free to do what I was planning on doing before I found out I was pregnant. The closer I got to the appointment, the worse I felt. Not about my decision but about how my boyfriend would take the lie about my miscarriage. I knew that I'd break up with him after that. Too many lies. Too big of lies.

I finally broke down a few days before my appointment and told him everything. He was quiet, angry, and upset that I didn't just tell him that I didn't want to keep the baby. He said he wished I would have come to him just to talk and for him to be there for me when I needed it most. That's what he's there for. I still said I was going to go through with it. The night I was supposed to leave to go to my friend's house, somehow we got to talking about everything. About all the worries I had, about all the hardship that this'll bring, about the baby, about everything to do with the baby. We talked for hours. My friend called me to see if I was alright and I was already bawling. I told her that I was going to keep the baby. She started crying to.

I didn't call to cancel my appointment though I assume it happens all the time.

I finally started taking my prenatals again. I made my first appointment with my OB and I started looking at things for the baby. I felt weird for awhile. Aren't I a hypocrite? I tried, though unsuccessfully, to kill my baby and then I made an appointment to get someone else to do it. Whenever I talk about miscarriage or abortion I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like I shouldn't have any options except pro-choice because that's what I was going to do.

My first OB appointment went great. The baby looked thriving and healthy in the ultrasound. He had a heart rate of 150 BPM. The blood test came back negative of anything they tested for that could be wrong with him. I was actually 10 weeks pregnant when I was going to abort him, though I thought I was 8 weeks. So rather than being 5 to 6 weeks pregnant when I was attempting the herbal remedies to induce miscarriage, I was actually 7 to 8 weeks. The egg had already burrowed into my uterus and had a good grip. That's probably what kept him alive and I just know he's going to be a strong one.

Sometimes I still feel like I'm not going to be a good mother. Will my son ever have an inkling that I tried to kill him in my womb? Will I be able to love him with everything I have? What if I can't connect with him when I give birth to him? What if he has a defect that the blood test didn't test for and it was my fault? I still suffer from bouts of depression. I still think of what if I would have gone through with it. Would I be happier? Would I actually have felt free? What if I can't give this baby a good life? What if his dad and I aren't meant to be?

I don't know. Though I'm just gonna try to take it one step at a time and not dwell on the negative. Whatever hardship happens, I'll deal with it as I come to it, not before.

I just felt like sharing my story. It was actually pretty therapeutic for me to write all this out. Whatever comments you have, whether it be good, bad or none, I don't care. This was for me.

For all the women out there that are struggling with what I went through and am going through, you're not alone. Every human is unique but we're all not that different from each other as we think. If you ever feel how I felt, please talk to someone about it before rashly deciding on something unhealthy. It's easier to do things in the heat of the moment than to think about the long term consequences. Though everything you do will come back around. I'm just waiting for the time mine does.