I'm in love with 2 men.

I'm married to the absolute perfect man. He's my rock, amazing stepfather to my 3 kids and best dad to our youngest and only son together.

Now, I love my husband with all of me but I also love my ex.

I recently went home to Trinidad for a week, I hadn't been home in 16yrs so this was just a time to reconnect with old friends and family, off Facebook.

A couple days before my return to the U.S. I saw my first boyfriend and we had a drink and catch up but I felt an amazing flood of emotions, which rendered everything insignificant..(no, I didn't sleep with him) but I wanted too.

We talked for hours and I found out that my parents told him to stay away from me when we were sixteen. This guy and I actually grew up together and started a relationship with our first kiss when we were 11yrs old. It didn't turn sexual until I was 16yrs and then my parents found out and freaked out.

They threatened him and he stopped talking to me, then my parents shipped me off to the U.S.. I didn't know that's why he stopped talking to me and I didn't know that they sent me here to keep us apart.

I was so angry finding this out. My life here was so hard but that's another story.

I realized that I still love him. An aching, nauseating love and he clearly feels the same way.

I kissed him goodbye on the day of my flight and there was of course a burst of electricity but I couldn't betray my husband, although I know I already did 😢

When I got home, on the drive home I told my husband what happened and how I feel. It completely broke his heart and I feel like complete shit.

I can't control my heart, as much as I want too. I don't want to love this guy, I don't want to crave him but I do and it's hurting the one man I know would give up his life for me.

Two days ago another friend of mine was killed in Trinidad in a drive by. I saw him when I was home. We had a few drinks and talked and laughed. He was a good good person and I want to go home for the funeral. I want to hug his little girls and tell them that Aunty is here to help them through this but I'm afraid my husband doesn't really want me to go, fearing that I would see my ex ( and I would ) we were all friends..so it's expected that he'd be at the funeral.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling, it's just so confusing right now. I don't want to hurt my husband. I have no intentions of cheating on him. How do I stop these feelings for my ex? How should I deal with it? We talk everyday through Facebook and he's always talking about the past and our love. He respects my husband and encourages me to make it work and be honest with him. He'll even understand me cutting him off completely until these emotions die but I don't want to cut him off. What do I do?