A letter to my ex-husband
I want to first say I'm so grateful for my son. Yes I say my son, because you've never been a dad. Thank god I have found a man that has stepped up to that role and my son and him have chosen each other. But because of you I can not have any more children, because you were always to weak to say no, when a woman was throwing herself at you, or you thought the woman was good looking or like you said her vagina was so small you had to try it too. To what ever reason it was you did it, over and over again. Not only leaving me feeling unwanted, you gave me a sickness that was curable, yet scarring. You want me to look at you without hate, but I don't know if I ever could. Until today at my doctors appointment I had hope that one day I would be able to have another child to be able say I took that part of me back too, but sadly my doctor told me other wise. Aside from you taking that from, for years you mentally, physically abused me. Up until this year I wasn't able to able to go one week without a nightmare, up until last year I wasn't able to look at myself in the mirror and see me. All I seen was an emotional, weak and disgusting girl. It's been 4 years since you, and almost ever day of that I've been reminded of the torment you put me through, the torment I put myself through, because there was always never going to be a next time, there was always that apology. And sadly I was always just too scared to leave you.
I still have flash backs to you raping me, I still have flash backs of you hitting me. I still hear those words from time to time that I'm too fat. When I've never hit over 125 lbs other then pregnant with my son. Then I was too skinny and it was disgusting and so many other things you've said. All these things live with me today I can't get rid of them, no matter how hard I try, no matter how many therapy sessions I go to. But they don't haunt me like they use to, that I have done. I can look in the mirror and see me, just with a few scars added. You ask me not to hate you but I don't think I can, I can't forgive what you have done to us. I can't forgive you for the emotional damage you put my son through, and still to this day. Yet I will never want to take it back, Because if I had I would not have my beautiful son.
I'm sorry but I can never not hate you, and I could never respect you. You can't change the person you are, and you can't fix the damage you have done.
I don't wish you happiness, i wish for you to leave us alone.
I wish to never think of you again, I wish to never see the disappointment on my sons face again, because he has the same hope in you as I once did.
That empty hope, those meaningless words, those broken promises a 6year old should just never have to know.
You ask why I hate you, yet you know why. You ask me why i took you to court, to lower your visitations.
I've told you why but you don't want to hear, I'm standing up for my son, protecting him from further damage.
An exe of yours called me, her parents too, she had your baby but, is hiding from you.
They think you would molest her, that's so scary but true. You've always had a thing for young girls, I have the proof.
But have always been to scared to turn you in, because when I found out, you beat me up and tried strangling me and raped me until I said I would never tell.
I can't count how many times I've seen you have the look that you would kill me.
I try to be strong I try not to be scared of you, but I feel as if I'm only putting on a show.
I feel sorry for the man that stands beside me now, I know he feels it too.
So you ask me not to hate you, but I can't and I'm not sorry I hate you.
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