I had an abortion on May 13th of this year. I wanted the baby and the father had said he would stand by my side but.... He didn't think it was the right time. And he was right. Financially we were in a horrible place, living arrangements were not ideal and relationships were complicated (the father and I are friends. Have been for years. But not likely to ever be a couple. He is casually with someone else.) and I was scared of getting trapped living my parents life, of forcing my babies father to sacrifice his dreams and turn into my dad. I wanted better for him. But I really wanted that baby. And i feel like it is my fault that It was even created. I wasn't careful enough, i let my guard down.

I was calm and chipper the day of the procedure. Which was strange because I had cried making the intake appointment. Cried through the ultrasound. Cried before.... But that day went... Well.

The next day was when I broke down. And kept breaking down. And then I had some rough days.... And good days. Even still i become suddenly gripped by panic. But its better....

I thought I was finally past the inconsolable tears and gut wrenching pain. The crippling regret and feelings of failure. But this week i'm on my period. The second one since the abortion. Though the first period seemed almost like a test run to check the plumbing... More clinical, less of that smack in the face realization of what i'd done. This is the real deal. The constant proof of what I've done. I would have been 15 wks pregnant today. What have I done.

At first the father was holding space and being there for me and whenever I would panic he was there. But then 2 weeks ago he snapped. He doesn't want to talk about it. I know he wanted the baby too but he wanted the abortion more but it no longer affects him and he wants it out of mind. We all cope differently. But that leaves me without the one person i felt comfortable leaning on.

Logically I know this will pass, will get easier, will be fine.

But this moment in time is like reliving right after the abortion all over again.

I just needed to vent....