My breastfeeding journey has come to an end, but I wanted to share my story.

My pumping journey has come to an end. Towards the end this was the most I was getting daily (.25oz). The only thing that would make it increase a bit (by .5 - 1oz) was him latching on to me for some times a day. I have sat here and dwelled on this for the past week. Should I really have stopped? Should I keep pushing through? In a month I will be starting nursing school, so life is about to get a little crazier. I need him to be on a schedule that works for me and for those who will be watching him while I'm at school. breastfeeding/pumping does not seem ideal to my plan. At my best, I got 6 oz in a day! He eats 5 oz per feeding. When I pumped, I felt alone. When he latched, I felt uncomfortable. It wasn't because of pain. It never hurt. He has a perfectly strong and smooth latch. I just never got that "I love this" feeling. I cried so many times because of this. The day he was born, the nurses where making me feel guilty about combining formula and breastmilk feeding. I've had 2 moms put me to shame because of the same reason. Many days my husband would walk in on me crying because I wasn't producing enough, or because I wanted to have that "I love this" feeling and it wasn't happening. He is part of the reason why now I am "ok" with my decision. I took this picture the last time he walked in on me crying. It was the day our baby turned 2 months old and the last time I pumped. With my face covered in tears, I said to him "I promised myself I was going to fight through at least until he turned 3 months, but I'm so drained from fighting through each day". His response... "He wears size 3 month clothes... That counts" and then he laughed and tightly held me in his arms. He always knows the right things to say to make it all better. It still hurts and I don't know why. I tried it all to produce more. I also tried very hard to get comfortable with it. I guess I still want that "I love this" feeling. It just isn't happening. I am beyond grateful to be blessed with a healthy boy. He is on the best formula out there at the moment. I am thankful we can afford this. Some people aren't so lucky. 

Some of you might make funny faces and wonder "why the hell is she sharing this?". I will tell you why. It is because of all those moms that go through the same thing and think they are alone. More people should talk about how hard it is to breastfeed. Daily I see so many moms post celebration pics of them breastfeeding for a period of time. breastfeeding moms... I salute you, because it is not easy. You are amazing! But what about those of us who go through what I went through? You don't see many of us sharing our story. I want to break that cycle. I want to share my experience. If it makes one mom smile, then I did my part and that makes me happy! Formula moms... We are amazing too!