My baby was born dead , the worse thing that has ever happened, I was hoping it was a nightmare , th...

My baby was born dead , the worse thing that has ever happened, I was hoping it was a nightmare , that everything was going to be okay , but it wasn't, I was just wishing I could turn back time... Once I was going to the hospital because I was having the worse cramps of my life every 3 mins I was so happy just thinking "today is the day I'll meet my baby ! All these 9 months of waiting" and then they told me "we can't find his heartbeat" I didn't panic at first since I thought it was just the machine that wasn't picking his heartbeat... But then they did an ultrasound and it was confirmed... His heart wasn't beating... Like why .???? Why is this happening to me .? We went on friday to get a check up everything was fine his heartbeat was beautiful and then all of the sudden his beat wasnt beating .?? Just when he was going to be born .? Just when I was finally going to meet him. I had to do vaginal birth , they couldn't do c-section so I spent about 10 hours in labor ... All day I was just crying and crying and wishing it was a nightmare and just wishing I could turn back time ... Once it was time to push I was just shaking non stop NON STOP and just crying again horribly .... Once I delivered and saw my baby's body purple was the worse thing ever , he was dead inside of me for one day and I didn't even notice... He was so beautiful I wished I would of gone with him , seeing his beautiful wavy hair and little beautiful lips and beautiful chin and feeling his soft skin was just so emotional for me I scream crying wishing I could die and saying why meee and just feeling guilt ... Right now im just getting randome panics attacks that they have to be treated with xanax ... I hated god so much just cursing at him telling him why he didn't take us both .??? I was angry and full of hate with him ... But I feel like he touched me and said it was for a reason , I regret telling him that I HATE HIM and many other bad things but now I understand. Baby was probably going to have a worse tragedy in the future and it would of been worse or I was probably wasn't ready since im a 17 year old ( well turning 17 Saturday) probably later I'll meet a different guy since me and my boyfriend have some problems or probably our relationship will get better and we'll be ready. But this baby will always be my beautiful son Elijah 🙏🏼👼🏻💚💛❤️ I hope he resting well and he's happy , I told him I loved him so much and that I always will love him ! He was so beautiful and just feeling his cold soft skin broke my heart. I love you baby Elijah , rest in peace my love 👼🏻🙏🏼😪😔