Depression is a bitch.

To begin this long post, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety in 2014. It probably existed for years before that but I always just thought it was how everyone felt. Everyone struggles to get out of bed everyday. Everyone takes a week off work now and then to sleep. Everyone feels hopeless and useless and worthless everyday. I was put on medication which managed my symptoms perfectly. I felt good even great for the first time in probably a decade. I found an amazing man, I bought my first home, I was healthy and happy. Then I got pregnant. It was planned and it was supposed to be amazing. Doctors told me I could stay on my meds but that the baby would probably go through withdrawals once it was born. Needless to say, I stopped taking all medication the day I saw that little line. That was 4 months ago. And I am miserable. I have not enjoyed a single minute of this pregnancy. I feel like the only person on the planet who hates being pregnant. I sleep 16 hours a day, I'm never hungry, I don't feel a connection to my baby and feel like a terrible mother already. A cherry on top of the sundae of misery, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. To say that I am overwhelmed would be a gigantic understatement. I physically feel terrible, I mentally feel worse. Some of my symptoms resemble a normal pregnancy. But they're on steroids. I have an extremely stressful job. A job that I actually love. But because of how horrible I feel I've been calling out a lot lately, which puts a huge stress on my finances. So basically the cycle is depression/anxiety cause symptoms, symptoms cause missed work, missed work causes financial stress, financial stress causes depression and anxiety. I'm on a ride I can't get off of. It's very  difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have depression or anxiety. I crave an antidepressant. For the first time in my life I understand addicts. I would give anything to escape the prison my life has become. I would never do anything to hurt myself or my baby so please don't assume or misunderstand what I'm saying. I don't know if anyone else is in this position. Or has gone through it and wants to tell me about the light at the end of the tunnel. All I know is the thought of living in this diabetic pit of despair where I currently reside is a nightmare I cannot wait to wake up from. 23 weeks and 5 days to go. 🤕