(Not) Breastfeeding angst ๐Ÿ˜”

Britt ๐ŸŒฒ
My baby is 8 weeks old today, and I'm having strong mixed feelings because I have been pumping exclusively, and not breastfeeding the whole time. It's kind of a long story, but I need to get it out... It started because my baby had a very bitey latch in the hospital, which left me with some bruised nipples. The hospital consultant ended up writing a prescription for a breast pump, which I have used ever since. Later, the IBCLC through the hospital helped me work on my baby's latch a little bit during our session. However I was never able to duplicate the technique at home, and would cry in frustration. I hired an independent IBCLC, who thought that I might have thrush, because I had some redness and consistent nipple pain. After a brief exam, I took two rounds of anti fungal meds, but didn't see any significant improvement. I finally convinced my dermatologist to do a milk culture, which revealed that I didn't have thrush or an infection. So, maybe it's the pumping itself that's causing the pain? I did get larger flange sizes, which I think helps some. Anywayโ€ฆ So much time has passed now, and I don't know how I really feel about trying to breast-feed again. I'm afraid that maybe it's too late, or that my baby will bite me more and I will just give up, cold turkey. Pumping is working for now, even though it's exhausting. I guess I can keep it up until I just can't take it anymore, but it makes me feel depressed that I didn't master this skill sooner. This has been such an emotional roller coaster over the past two months. If there is anything you can say that is encouraging, I would love to hear it.