First I want to thank glow for this wonderful platform, which I have been surfing and somewhat participating in from afar. The truth is I haven't really posted anything of value on here. And I wanted to share this because I believe it's something maybe other women struggle with. I know I do to this day.

This day I am a happily married for 7 years 33 year old working professional with a dog that we adopted a year ago. We both work a lot and live outside NYC and have an otherwise good life. Can't complain. We work hard and sacrifice our time so we can make a life. It's a kind of partnership that works and we are very much looking forward to being parents. We have been TTC for a year. 

Years ago in my early 20s I was involved in a very passionate relationship with a much older man who was in a much different place in his life. Both single, both monogomous. I found myself pregnant after having issues with PID not long before. I was naive about my own health and careless in love. In a place with no support, even though it went against every fiber of my being, I agreed to have an abortion. I took a pill and hemorrhaged the yolk sac at home. I was lost for many years after and there still is to this day a hole in my heart. Being in a place of love and comfort and security with my husband is wonderful, but I have so many fears and doubts in myself that come up in this process of TTC. I look at myself from the past and try to forgive her naïveté but I feel I am still grieving the loss. I question if I will be a good mother, if I'm brave enough, if I will defend my child enough.  It is a constant journey to travel the hard tumultuous roads to a place of loving myself and I only hope that I can have that second chance. If not to regret a past choice, at least to retain love and hope of one I can see through to fruition, a lifetime.