So, I'm kind of at a turning point in my life right now. I'm going to turn 18 on Monday, which is also the day I start college. Last night I was thinking about it and had a pretty bad anxiety attack. I've recently had a pretty big fight with my mother after she found out I was planning on moving out after reading through my text messages. I feel really used by her, after finding out she's been receiving child support for me for years and didn't save up any of it for me to get an education. She never really spent any of it on me either. I never got new clothes, technology, or asked for any expensive presents. She even told me that I don't cost that much. One of the main reasons she was so mad about me leaving seems to be that she knows she's going to lose around $400/month in child support, the housework I did, and the free babysitting. She basically told me that by leaving I was going to be depriving my two little brothers of a bunch of stuff. I think she's being pretty emotionally manipulative, and sometimes the way she's treated me in the past borders on abuse. I didn't really realize this until I finally left and moved in with my dad. On Saturday I went over to visit her because she asked me to and we got into a pretty massive fight despite the fact that I was trying so hard not to fight. Basically at the end of this argument, part of which was in text, she wound up disowning me. She pretty much said that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. Logically, I know that I'm not the problem here; she did the same thing to my older brother who has autism. She historically writes people off if they make her angry, but I can't help but feel that I am to blame.

Living with my dad is a lot less stressful. He never screams at me and doesn't make me feel like I'm a piece of shit. However he had a really really bad bedbug infestation. He didn't know when I first moved in, because I'm the only one here that actually has a reaction to them. Pretty much my entire body save for my face is covered in itchy and painful welts. I'd like to say that he's doing everything he can to get rid of them, but he's really not. To be honest, I think he thinks I'm complaining too much and is kind of annoyed with me for mentioning it all the time. Money is tight right now, so I understand that he can't easily pay for an exterminator or other treatments, but it sucks.

I've never been formally diagnosed with any form of mental illness, and my mom scared me out of getting help with two incidents in which she shamed me for feeling hopeless and depressed. On another occasion I tried to tell her about a panic attack I'd had in school and she just dismissed it my saying "Now what good did that do you?". I don't know how to approach the conversation with my dad. I'm really scared that he's just gonna make fun of me, get angry, or dismiss it like my mother. Does anybody have advice?

Coping with death

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