Ive been having extremely vivid dreams since right before I found out I was pregnant. Let me give you some back ground.

I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up. My mom worked and my dad chose to work on his weekends with me. My granmda was my best friend and like my mother. Well when I was 13 she was hospitalized with leukemia. 2 weeks later after one round of chemo her body couldnt handle it and she was put on life support. My dad decided to pull the plug. I remember saying my goodbye the most vividly of the entire two weeks. And I went to see her daily. I walked into the room and just cried. My mom told me to hold her hand so I held her hand that evening before she died for what seemed like hours and cried. That night she had a heart attack and was gone. The most important person eipped out of my life in 2 short weeks. No one knew how to look me on the eye anymore. My mom tried shipping me to counseling a few times and I never went. I grieved on my own. For years I was mad and it feels like I finally accepted it 8 years later, and I find out Im pregnant.

I always had the same dream about her every once in awhile the past 8 years. In my dream she never really died. She faked her death to go live with my Great Grandma (who died a year later). And even though I find her amd beg her to come back with me she wont. She doesnt want to.

Now that I'm pregnant I dream of her frequently and extremely vividly. Which the first 2 or so times was nice. Now im getting mad and annoyed. I know it should comfort me but it doesnt. It brings up everything bad about her death. It brings up the fact that shes not there. She will never be here. She will never hold her great grand child. As bad as it sounds I just dont want to see her face anymore.