I feel alone. & without parents.


Sorry in advance that this is so long. 

If you know me personally please keep this to yourself I just need to get this of my chest. 

When I was 5 years old my mom met her now boyfriend I loved him, my dad was in prison so he was a father figure to me. he took me everywhere some of his family even actually thought I was his daughter. I called him dad he was my dad. Well a couple years passed and my mom had a son (her bfs first child) and once my mom had my brother (I'm not saying their names cause it's not my place to) I felt as though I got left behind & he didn't care for me anymore I was still very young. Well me & my sister, who is my only biological sibling, started getting sent to live with our other family like my aunts grandmas even our dad sometimes once he got released. My mom had stomach problems and I guess she couldn't take care of us. My mom had my sister with her bf about 11 months after my brother was born. my brother and sister always lived with my mom & their dad but me and my biological sister were always passed from relative to relative I remember I was never in the same school for long I was always being transferred because I was always moving finally in 4th grade me and my sister were living steadily with my mom this is when I started getting grounded for literally everything. If I didn't feed the dog early enough in the morning, grounded. Made below and 80, grounded , for that I'd be grounded for 6 weeks & I never made below a 70. Any little thing I would get grounded for it. I remember one time I was asleep it was pretty early in the morning cause I never slept past 9:30 and i guess my brother was hungry well I woke up to a hard spanking on my butt and I was so shocked cause I was sleeping and I got whooped for what? I didn't know. Till my moms bf started yelling saying why I didn't get up to feed my brother. I was 10 years old I don't think it should have been my responsibility to feed him when his parents are perfectly fine but since they were asleep they wanted me to do it. I even got grounded once because I didn't make his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with enough peanut butter. I even remember one time I was in fourth or fifth grade my sister was in kindergarten or first grade she was grounded idek remember why but in my opinion she was too young to be grounded anyways I asked my mom to paint my nails for picture day the next day and she said no cause she was busy well my mom would let us watch tv and stuff, even when we were grounded but only when her bf wasn't around of course. Well my sister was watching tv (because my mom said she could!) and my moms bf showed up and said she's grounded why is she watching tv my moms reply was idk I didn't tell her she could watch tv she was supposed to be cleaning. And he took my sister to the room and gave her spankings for watching tv while she was grounded my sister was screaming and crying and my mom grabbed me and said if I told him she gave my sister permission to watch tv I would be in a lot of trouble and she'll paint my nails if I keep my mouth shut I was scared so I didn't say anything & till this day thinking about it brings tears to my eyes that my mom would rather save her own ass and lie just so they wouldn't have an argument and let my sister get spanked than to stand up for her! And it kills me that I didn't stand up for her. My sister DID NOT deserve that and I should've done something but I didn't. It breaks my heart that that happened to her she was so young she didn't understand why she was even getting into trouble since my mom gave her permission to watch tv. I also remember one time I was in 5th grade barley learning how to wash dishes and I guess I wasn't washing some of them right and my mom threw all the dishes even the ones I washed right back into the sink and everytime I cleaned a dish and didn't do it right all the dishes would go back into the sink for that one mistake I remember crying cause I was so sleepy and I had school the next day I just wanted to go to sleep but kept having to do the dishes over and over again. I spent most of my childhood being grounded for the most ridiculous things. At least I think they were ridiculous. When my mom and him would go out of town they would say me and my sister couldn't go cause we wouldn't fit in the car and they would only take their son and daughter & me and my sister would get left behind with whoever would keep us. I remember once they went to Virginia for two weeks and left me and my sister with our cousin with only 20$ to "go have fun" while they were actually having fun in Virginia lol. well fast forward a couple years I'm in 8th grade by this time I was fed up with always being left behind, grounded or getting whooped for stupid things so finally I stood up for myself and said if your not gonna treat me the way you treat your kids then I'm not gonna treat you like a dad your not my dad. So from that moment on I wasn't allowed to do anything during the week I was always in my room. I wasn't allowed to use the shampoo he bought I could only use the cheapest shampoo and conditioner he could find and I wasn't allowed to use the toothpaste he bought I could only use toothpaste that used to be for the dogs but it was now to be mine. Every weekend I went and stayed with my aunt. I ended up making a fb well they found out about it grounded me and took me out of school I was grounded for 7 months and stayed home all day doing nothing when they went somewhere I had to stay home. Fast forward some more and I'm living with my aunt again she put me back in school things are going good I'm a freshman in high school I ended up talking to this boy and we became boyfriend & girlfriend it was nothing serious I never even kissed him lol well my mom found out about him and made me move back home and pulled me out of school AGAIN. I was miserable there I didn't want to be there so after half a year my aunt got me again and put me back in school, when I'm not living with my mom we get along really well. Well for thanksgiving I decided to go to her house and eat with her and my brother and sisters her bf saw me and told my mom that I needed to leave so my mom told me to leave I cried and cried cause I just wanted to spend time with my family and I felt like my mom was choosing him over me by making me leave. When I got home my aunt told me I could not go over there anymore if that was how they were gonna treat me. I stayed with my aunt for about a year before I moved in with my grandma and got pregnant at 17 once I got pregnant me and my mom were very close and had a good relationship. I would go to her house but only when her bf was gone because he said I wasn't allowed there and he worked out of town sometimes so I would go when he was working I hated that I had to sneak around to see my own mother but I would rather see her that way than not at all. Once I had my son me and my mom got into a big fight and we weren't really talking but I didn't want to keep my son, her grandson away from her so one day (it was my sisters birthday party and I wasn't invited) I let my aunt take my son to my moms house so everyone could see him cause they hadn't seen him in a while. He was there for 5 minutes before my aunt (my moms sister) brought him home saying he was crying so she just brought him home which I was fine with. Later that day I found out the real reason she brought him home was because my moms bf told her "take that baby home he's not welcome here ever". I was livid I don't understand why he would treat a innocent baby like that if he wants to be like that with me fine I'm used to it idc anymore but why my son who's never done anything to anyone a 4 month old baby (at the time) got kicked out of his grandmother house for no reason at all. I was hurt. I was so angry. At him at my mom for not defending my baby. So now me and my mom don't talk at all. I miss her so much she's my mother. I love her. And I don't know what to do I want to reach out to her so badly because I miss her but I can't because I feel so upset about what happened to my baby. And I haven't seen my brother and sisters in so long it's killing me. I just don't know what to do anymore.