and my relationship finally came to a close.
After being single for two years I decided to try dating again. I met a guy through a dating app and we clicked right away. I had never had a connection with someone like I had with him. We had our first date in late February and became inseparable. In April, we became "official," even though we had already been acting like a couple since that first date. The only thing that changed was that we had a label and sex. Oh yeah. He was my first. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE that knew us commented on how good we looked together and how happy we looked. I thought everything was perfect and I had finally found the one.
About a month ago, we had an argument and it ended with him breaking up with me. I was completely blindsided because just that day we had talked about how we couldn't wait to share our lives together. A few days after our breakup, I asked him to talk to me so I could get closure.
According to him, he didn't want to break up. He still loved me BUT he was not attracted to me physically. During this talk he told me that he had fallen in love with my personality and that he thought that would make up for everything else he didn't find attractive in me. Remember that this is a guy I had been nearly inseparable with since February. I asked what it was about me that he didn't find attractive and he said my size and my style. He said that he wanted me to slim down and be healthy (I wear a size 12 in jeans) and to dress better-- meaning less T-Shirts and jeans and more makeup. Ironically, I joined a gym (for myself because I want to slim down) and had started wearing more makeup than I had before (normally I just wear eyeliner and mascara). I reminded him of this and against my better judgement, we decided to try getting back together.
I thought my love for him was bigger than his words (there's more he said but I won't put it here) but the more I tried to get things back to how they were, the more I resented him. I was angry at him for not accepting me for the way I was, and for omitting his true feelings for all those months. I felt like his actions tainted our relationship because any time I would look at our pictures I would wonder whether he really meant it when he called me beautiful. Earlier this week I told him I needed space from him to heal and work on my self esteem. We argued and ended things for good. He blocked me from all social media and I haven't heard from him since.
If you're still reading, thank you. I just feel so conflicted with myself. I know I deserve better but I just miss him. Ugh.
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