Since then, we've been home. I'm exhausted. The hospital is 70 miles one way. I'm in my second trimester. And I'm still throwing up. I have a toddler who has been with my mom while we've been in the hospital. (She drove 11 hours to stay with our son.)

He's gonna be okay. And it could have been so much worse. Although it's hard to imagine it being worse. God was gracious. He was so sick, and it was so bad. 

My husband is a wonderful man. I love him. He's my best friend. But we were already in a dry spell sexually. We were going hard to get pregnant, and once we did, things got crazy. I was sick all the time (my morning sickness always came at night), we had to take trips back and forth to see family, and then he got sick. It's   Been 7 weeks since we've had sex. And because of the surgery and the situation we are in now, it will be a while before he's healed enough to be intimate again. 

But I'm emotionally spent. Exhausted. And I miss my partner. Sure, I'm swimming in crazy preggo hormones. I'm crazy horny. But I'm also worried about him, focusing on his recovery, trying to deal with a high risk pregnancy and a strong willed toddler who has had grandma's undivided attention for a week. 

I feel like the worst parent to my kid. And I feel selfish. I know we can't have sex. I know he doesn't have the energy or ability right now to even want to help me get satisfied. (And we have a great sex life. Always have. He's all I've ever had and visa versa.) 

But right now, I wish he could just hold me. It was so scary for a week and two surgeries. He's still sick and recovering. He's hurting and sleeps a lot. I can't ask for anything from him. I'm just worn. 

We drive 70 miles Monday for a follow up and they will have to put him under again. I don't want to tell him how desperate I feel to have him comfort me. I'm trying to be strong, but I feel like such a failure. 

I've even had people tell me I can't be upset or emotional. Maybe it's the pregnancy, but we've been through so much. And I have the dreaded glucose test right after his follow up and one doesn't exactly eat healthy in a hospital. 

One day we will look back and see how this made us stronger. But if you have your man tonight and he's healthy, hold him close. Things can change so fast.