I just need a friend...

I feel like my life's come to an abrupt stop.. Me and my fiancé were together for two a half years and had a son together. He cheated on my six different times, everything from sex to sending people online pictures of MY body and saying he was me to get pictures back. We broke up because I couldn't handle it. I was having anxiety attacks nightly. We still live together and recently we got back together because I thought I could do it. We fight constantly recently but decided to try for baby #2. Dumb, I know. I also sufffer with horrible anxiety and depression along with severe depersonalization disorder (which causes me to be so out of it for months at a time and not consider consequences) from being sexually abused as a child and living in an abuse and manipulative household as a child. Well the ONLY friend I have at all had a slightly sexual past with me so there was always feelings there but when I was in a relationship we never did anything. Now he's dating the girl my now boyfriend (fiancé from before) cheated on me with ( he knew it was her). I feel like I can't even have a sexual past with someone without her stepping into the picture. It physically hurts to think about her and I couldn't do it so I cut off communication with him which leaves me with absolutely nobody. Now I start bleeding after multiple positive pregnancy tests and I feel like my hearts been ripped from my chest.. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't look at my boyfriend, I feel so alone and worthless. I'm having a hard time taking care of my son and I don't know how to get help.. I'm in counseling for my problems and it's not helping. I feel so out of it and I don't know what to do anymore.. I just want to give up. Every time I've ever had anything sexual in my life it's come back on me, from abuse to men using me.. I just hate myself. What's so wrong with me? What can I do? Anyone have any support or advice? Please..