This has been very hard to keep in and it has really made my emotions act up recently. This was when I was like four or five years old. Yes I can remember when I was four. I remember some things from when I was two. I know it's crazy. One time my mom's sister and her daughter's of 16 and 17 where over at our house. We lived like not even 500 ft from each other. Everyone was at our house talking and they sent my 16 year old cousin (girl) over to their house to get something. She invited me to go with her and my mom let me go. When we got to their house she closed and locked all the doors to the house. She took off her clothes and took mine off too or at least my pants. (I was little and didn't know anything or what was going on. I didn't feel scared because again I didn't know anything. I cry everytime I think about it.) She later on the bed and told me to get on top of her. I feel so disgusted and angry because I just did as she told me. I don't remember anything that she told me. I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS WRONG. :( she started touching me and getting me to rub on her. She layed me on the bed and started doing the same thing again only with her on top of me. I didn't understand what was going on. I remember her doing all of that and then kissed me and made me kiss her boobs and down there. I think she did the same to me too. I honestly can't remember what happened after this. I feel so much hate towards her because I feel like she corrupted my mind while I was only four. Me as a little kid shouldn't know or be forced to do these things. For the longest time I ignored it because it didn't know what it was it what to do. Maybe I thought it was normal I don't know. As I got way older I realized that couples did that and I felt so confused because I didn't know why she had done that to me and forced me to do it to her. In a church deal we say a video about sexual abuse on childre and what to do if we know someone going thru it. I felt so bad after watching these videos and it gets me so mad because some people say that it mostly happenes with strangers and that that's why many parents don't let their children spend the night with their friends. For me it wasn't even done by a stranger and I wasn't allowed to spend the night with friends. It was done by a family member by my own cousin who I was really close too. I don't know what think I want to speak up but I'm so afraid of being judged. I live in a very small town and many know how that is. After talking to my boyfriend about it I'm trying to overcome feeling guilt and grossness because he says it wasn't my fault and I was only 4. He supports me and talks to me to help me feel better and I appreciate that. Sometimes though, I feel like no one would understand me if I told them. I'm even afraid of telling my mom. I don't know how to tell her. I feel so lost. I'm trying to move on but it's hard. Would this be considered rape, sexual abuse or what? Does this mean she took my virginity at that age? I'm sorry for the long post I just needed to let this out.... any advise would be very appreciated.