Let me be clear. I am only 31wks pregnant, this will be my first child, and no this isn't just depression or a phase. To elaborate, I've always hated babies, and not just in a normal "oh no thanks I don't want to hold your infant" kind of way. I hated them in a physically ill to be within 10 feet of anything under 10 years old kind of way. To the point where I have to leave a room if they look at me or try to talk to me, not even politely, but run out of a room crying and shaking. It's ALWAYS been that way. I just don't connect with mother feelings, I barely connect with grown adults.

Insanely enough, my husband and I decided to have a baby. He really convinced me I could do it. Everyone says once she is born and in my hands it will all be different, that I won't be terrified or disgusted at the way she moves or sounds. I want to believe them all, I really do. So I've spent a good portion of my pregnancy trying to be kinder about the idea of kids. Then I see them on tv or in public and I think I'm getting better. Then I hear one giggle in the grocery store and it's instant adrenaline pumping flight mode.

I'm starting to get worried that it won't be any different with my own baby. I try to find stories of people who maybe went through the same kind of thing themselves, but it's all a bunch of postpartum depression stories. I want to know what happens if you never felt magical about babies and how you get past it so you CAN love your own. I know I will love her in time when she is older, I just can't seem to picture loving her as a baby. Holding her, talking to her, smiling at her, everytime I picture trying to do something like breastfeed or bathe her I just imagine myself with a curled lip snarl just getting through the task trying not to hold eye contact. It sounds mean, but it is literally how I regard all babies and I am terrified that won't change with her.

I'm sure people will comment just to be rude and say I shouldn't have done this if I knew this about myself, it's not fair to her, whatever. I did this for reasons between my husband, myself, and our family. I will obviously take care of her and raise her gently and kindly and as purely as possible. This is solely about finding an emotional connection when you have something akin to a phobia. I want to know if others have found a way to work through it and how they succeeded where they may have never thought they could. Thanks in advance for the advice and support.

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