I guess I should start from the beginning.. going into high school I lost a lot of friends due to an ex boyfriend of mine. One of them was like a brother to me, I had known since coming to the states when I was 16 months old. It was really hard for me to accept that they weren't going to be apart of my life anymore. It lead me into a very deep depression. I barely went to school, I just stayed in my bed all day either sleeping or watching Netflix. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. And I know that's my own insecurities. I never had a best friend who I did everything with. I had friends who I would occasionally do stuff with and could count on if I needed too.  I always felt like I was a burden. Like they just invited me because they felt bad. Or felt obligated because we have known each other so long. My anxiety was so bad I couldn't even do presentations in front of my class. I skipped school until the teacher just forgot about it. Even for my speech class I had to talk to the teacher about doing it in private with her because I would have such bad anxiety attacks. I still don't have my drivers license because of it and I'm 20 years old.. After I graduated things got better, not great but better. I felt calmer and more in control. But after all my friends left for school in the fall I felt abandoned. I just felt like everybody leaves me. Being adopted and then having my adopted mother leave my dad when I was 6 just left me feeling empty. I started talking to this boy from work. He is two and half years younger than me but he made me feel special and I liked that. We started dating and it was good. We fell in love with each other but We both had some serious issues though and it was unhealthy for both of us. He ended up breaking up with me and I was heart broken but I understood. We kind of had a fling over Christmas and New Years where we ended up sleeping together. We were each other's first. He shut me out after that. Later I learned that it was just his own insecurities that pushed him away. We didn't talk or see other for months. Eventually we became awkward friends because we had mutual friends. We have always had this connect that I can't quite explain. We just get each other. I have never felt so confident and comfortable around anyone in my life. We started dating again right after the Fourth of July. Things were beyond great for us this time. We laughed all the time. Never fought. We just had fun and enjoyed each others company. He was my best friend, boyfriend and lover. In that order. We talked about a future together which I wanted more than anything. Once fall rolled around things got harder for us. We used to spend just about everyday together but with school and him having to go back and forth from his mom to his dads it got more difficult. We fought more about stupid things. Things just got blown out of proportion. We still were madly in love that's what we both held on too. But he is also dealing with a lot of stuff. Mental illnesses, senior year, work, his dad (who is very hard on him). He's beyond amazing, his love is so powerful just very sensitive and insecure. I would always have to reassure him that I was with him and present in this relationship. The sex was good and sometimes great. (Like couldn't walk afterwards great) I love and cherish every moment we had together. He never believed me. The last couple of weeks we have been off and on. I thought I was going to break up with him one night but I could get myself to do it. I couldn't when I thought there was something to hold on too. So I didn't but I was honest with him. A week or so later he broke down and was literally bawling over the phone talking to me and he decided to end it with me but the week after that we ended up hanging out and we just couldn't help ourselves. But then I got to thinking and I started to realized how broken we both are. We are great together but I don't know if it's healthy. That we are supposed to be together. I care for him deeply but I'm not in love with him anymore. My mind keeps telling me different things. I miss him so much but I just can't be with him. He is in a really dark place now, talking about cutting and ending his life and it makes me have anxiety attacks over and over again. I don't know what to do. I know I made the right decision but I don't know how to help him see that. He thinks everything is over for him now. He is harsh with his words and distant. We are still friends but it's hard. And on top of all that I missed my doctors appointment today by 15 mins. And I really needed to see her today to talk about getting on different medication and seeing a counselor because I'm falling apart. I'm just so overwhelmed I feel sick.