Trying to cope...

I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant on the 9th of this month. It was unexpected but we were overjoyed. I couldnt wait to tell everyone. I had wanted to be a mother for about 5 years now but wasnt sure i was able to conceive.

Last week, I went to the hospital. I had been spotting brown blood for a few days, but that day I started passing clots. They were very small but I was advised to go to the hospital just to be safe. I had very minimal cramping as well. The doctor did a pap on me and said I was bleeding a lot, but my cervix was closed still. They did blood work and my levels were a little over 1500, which was low for how far I was guessed to be along but I could have been a little less along than they thought. The doctor told me he didnt know for sure I would carry but to be on bedrest and go to the Dr in 2 days to get my levels again.

That night, I began bleeding profusely and passing quarter sized clots. The pain was immense and I was in tears. I couldnt control the bleeding and was in bed trying to cope with the physical and emotional pain. I knew I was losing my little miracle.

When I went back to the Dr to get my levels checked, they were down to 200. It dropped so drastically! I had lost my baby. I was devastated... still am.

Ive been trying to cope with this loss with Christmas right around the corner and my birthday as well. I feel so rotten inside. Tomorrow was the day we were going to tell everyone, and now I'm dreading the day.

I feel regretful about going to the hospital. I feel the Dr was too rough and may have made me miscarry. I'm not trying to place blame, I know miscarriages happen... especially with your first. But knowing I went in with almost no pain, small clots and slight bleeding and left with profuse bleeding, large clots, and immense pain has me more angry than anything.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

I have my good and bad days with coping... I feel I'm doing really well considering. But Christmas coming up makes me really hurt. It's a terrible thing to go through period. But so close to the holidays and my birthday has my heart breaking away little by little.

Also, how long is long enough for my body to heal before trying to conceive again? We've both decided we really do want kids now. I'm scared it will happen again but trying to be positive. At least I know I can conceive. Just praying I can carry as well.

Thank you in advance!