birth

I feel like I should be grateful that she's here and she's okay but I can't help it, I still cry out of sadness when I think about the day my little girl was born. As soon as she was born I just got to see the nurses wheel her by me, I was so out of it I hardly remember what she looked like... after those brief seconds of seeing her I couldn't see her until 13 hours after she was born. Meanwhile my boyfriend is bringing people in and out of the NICU.... I'm upset for her because people were snapping pictures of her while she's on paralysis medicine and breathing tubes and feeding tubes, while she's colorless and I couldn't be there to advocate for her. Those pictures still haunt me. And I'm hurt because everyone got to see my daughter before me and I had no privacy, I didn't get time to grieve or cope... and I didn't get to meet my baby girl who i built such a close bond with for 34 weeks.... not to sound selfish but I wanted to be the first touch she felt... I feel like birthand every thing after was supposed to be a special moment but it was taken from us... and even though it's almost a month later, I still bawl about it.